On beliefs, life and death...

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I don't know how I got this, I'm not an athiest at all... I just don't believe in a 'one old man' god. I once read a lovley poem which said that after you die you sit around with your friends and watch your life, like on video, every stupid moment, every lie, every petty vanity filled moment, and also, every moment of grace, love and self sacrifice, and the poem ended with the blessing of may you fast forward through the bad stuff and rewind to the good...

well, what happens when you die? You meet yourself, your spritiual self, your 'whole' self. And like a loving parent looks at a 3 year old, you look at the life you have just lead, and without punishment, but with distance, you see what you did, what choices you made, what happened... and you hold that childish you with great love and say, next time we'll do better...

When I see a child (my child, any child) get so distressed over a childish thing, it's so clear that the emotion outways the object. It's so clear what the solution would be. and then, when we get older, we somehow think our problems and reactions are more real or more valid, so that the CEO insisting on not sharing nicely, or the driver raging at other drivers... thinks that they are being adult and nonchildish.

I've always believed that after death we see how childish our adult behaviour was, and we strive to grow more. I believe in reincarnation. I believe we choose our current birth situations and that each life time is a lesson, is an aspiration made only with love and with good intent. Sometimes I can tap into that powerful belief and it holds me, contains me in a very postitive way. Sometimes I am aware of how much of this precious life I just drift through, that I am not living my life to it's fullest. I am living my husband's life, my son's life, but not my life, not in the same way. And when my creativity dries up on me, as it currently has, it feels hard to get back into the flow of my own life. But I feel that I am at least at the edge of the water again, and not in a barren desert.

So in a better space... must be the kelp suppliements I've started taking ;-)

tried to post a weird image but it didn't work, I'll go and tinker with it some more... in the meantime, if you have too much time on your hands, go to virtual image and create a 3D model of yourself (very kindof) and then dress it up. A sophisticated form of paper dolls, with a sales intention, but it works better than you would expect.

feast or famine, I am drowning in food...

Been socialising frantically all week and the bags under my eyes are scary. One of our biggest expenses is definitely the babysitter. I don't even want to go out anymore, like being over fed lollies, you start to get queasy. Well, I've been over fed nights out, and though each one is lots of fun, I need four nights in a row at home to debrief and get my sleep patterns back in order. We were eating dinner last night at midnight, and all I could think of was how any calories consumed after 8 pm have twice as much weight.

It's all feast and faminine, in everyone's life I suspect. We are in feast now, going out, talking non stop. I instigated a cocktail party here on Monday night and served everyone lychee martinis - very glam and easy to make (basically lychee syrup and vodka and a dash of lime) and the sugar hid all the taste of the alcohol, so vast amounts were consumed. I had a funny conversation with H before hand who told me something I hadn't realised after 19 years together - he actually doesn't like enertatining very much. I like it, but he worries too much. He would prefer to go out, which feels like sharing the obligations of entertainment with the restaurant. But I prefer entertaining at home, which feels more relaxed and real to me (and I don't have to wear shoes, always a plus). He warmed to it, but he really would have preferred to meet in a bar. It certainly would have been cheaper for us, but I think it was far nicer at home.

I am overdoing it though. I feel tired and my eyes are permanently baggy and feel so fat, like I am lugging around an extra tire (remember that ad?) and it disgusts me. I want to eat salad and stay home. Then of course, I will get tired of salad and want to go out... never satisfied, the human condition, or always wanting balance, to go out once a week somewhere nice, or to go out to a lovely dinner, why do you have to go to a night club after and drinks after that... why can't one experience be savoured. I feel like they are blurring and each loses it's subtlety and enjoyment, swirling into an overheated, over hectic mush.