Still recovering, but much better
Went to the toy shop and the book shop to prepare us for the 20 hour flight ahead. Bj is an experienced traveller by now - he is, in fact, a silver frequent flier! - but 20 hours is a long bloody time. And I know I'll be queasy. Oh well... it will be over and then we will be in the steamy heat of Sydney. Not that NY hasn't warmed up considerably, it's almost balmy now, but I do miss the snow. I loved the snow. It was like magic, like a movie moment, just entrancing. I hope there is snow on my return.
I'm reading a book by Suzanne Brockmann, who is such a competent romance writer that you just sort of glide in and settle down, knowing you are in safe hands. I like her work a lot. This is the fifth or sixth in the series, and we keep meeting old characters who were heroes in her past books and I love that when it works. Also read some Jo Beverly who is also very good when the mood strikes. I liked that she had a whole book written about a woman's struggle to acknowledge her feelings for a man of substantially lower rank than she (she's a duke's daughter, he's a lottery winner's son) and make it feel like a real and viable dilemma, which it would have been, far more than most far fetched regency plots. It goes in waves for me, some days I can't read a romance at all, and others, I can't stop. I have a bad feeling I'll have finished the brockmann book before I get on the plane!!
Friday, December 13, 2002
I'm so sick!
I've caught bj's virus and had an awful night, vomiting till my throat is raw. More information that you needed, right.
It was the evening of H's work's Christmas dinner. I thought we were going to a restaurant, and though feeling a bit nausesous, it hadn't hit full force then, I went with him. But when we arrived if was a dark, smoky, incredibly noisy/buzzy, not at all what I could cope with. While waiting for everyone to arrive I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable and, sicker and sicker. So I told H that I wasn't well and made my own way home. I called him an hour later to tell him I was officially sick, but it was so noisy that he could barely hear me. I called him at midnight to say I was really sick and I wanted him to come home. He arrived around quarter to one. I was really furious. I just felt neglected and abandoned. When I told him that this morning, he said 'okay OKAY' like I'm meant to understand something from that. Sigh. My energy is all wrong and I am definitely feeling vulnerable but really, bj was more supportive and loving. After one particularly graphic episode in the toilet, which must have woken him up, i hear this sweet little chirp, "I love you mummy".
Well, that's today in my life. I'm going back to bed. Every part of me aches.
Once in a while we all have to mope in self pity. Today is my day.
I've caught bj's virus and had an awful night, vomiting till my throat is raw. More information that you needed, right.
It was the evening of H's work's Christmas dinner. I thought we were going to a restaurant, and though feeling a bit nausesous, it hadn't hit full force then, I went with him. But when we arrived if was a dark, smoky, incredibly noisy/buzzy, not at all what I could cope with. While waiting for everyone to arrive I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable and, sicker and sicker. So I told H that I wasn't well and made my own way home. I called him an hour later to tell him I was officially sick, but it was so noisy that he could barely hear me. I called him at midnight to say I was really sick and I wanted him to come home. He arrived around quarter to one. I was really furious. I just felt neglected and abandoned. When I told him that this morning, he said 'okay OKAY' like I'm meant to understand something from that. Sigh. My energy is all wrong and I am definitely feeling vulnerable but really, bj was more supportive and loving. After one particularly graphic episode in the toilet, which must have woken him up, i hear this sweet little chirp, "I love you mummy".
Well, that's today in my life. I'm going back to bed. Every part of me aches.
Once in a while we all have to mope in self pity. Today is my day.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
found the most amazing site, perfect for me and my pet obsessions - Slate magazine has a site where psychotherapists talk about the Sopranos in full pyschotherapy mode. How I love the internet!!
I'm baking home made rolls to have with nutella. Got a real chocolate craving lately.
I'm baking home made rolls to have with nutella. Got a real chocolate craving lately.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
quiet day
bj was sick all night, vomiting, and spent the day in bed. He is just now well enough to watch TV. After washing all the sheets the sickness moved to the other side of his body... and now I have to wash the sheets again. Thank heavens for washing machines and dryers. Even so, I've had enough of today!
while I was typing here, my sister (in Australia) logged on, and thanx to the magic of the internet, we had a quick chat. nice timing. So I've spoken to both my sisters this week, which is nice, because I am definitely not calling enough, or emailing enough either...
bj was sick all night, vomiting, and spent the day in bed. He is just now well enough to watch TV. After washing all the sheets the sickness moved to the other side of his body... and now I have to wash the sheets again. Thank heavens for washing machines and dryers. Even so, I've had enough of today!
while I was typing here, my sister (in Australia) logged on, and thanx to the magic of the internet, we had a quick chat. nice timing. So I've spoken to both my sisters this week, which is nice, because I am definitely not calling enough, or emailing enough either...
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
A glimpse of the past
just had an interesting conversation with a girl, from Melbourne, who is in the same psychic/spiritual place that I was when I started this blog. She hates New York and is just lonely, lost and sick. But whereas my solution was to reach out, even into cyberspace, even though I felt almost repellant in my lonliness, hers is to hide. And I know that even though I was as sick as her, I got better faster. Something about being 39 (38 at the time) rather than 27. You lose even the fantasy of rescue and know, really know, at bone level, that the only solution comes from within. I know I need to connect with others, that that is my road to sanity. It is when I feel disconnected that all my troubles start.
And now I'm really ambivalent about returning to Sydney for 6 weeks. We are leaving sooner than expected and I don't feel ready for it at all. I feel like I've been leading H's life these past few weeks, as his end of project rose to a crescendo, and now I can't find my footing again, as I swim off on his agenda. True, we are returning here in Feb, which is totally my doing, but now I feel adrift. Still I feel happier than my girlfriend, who is really quite depressed.
In the end it's all about energy, what you give out, what you can take in. We had this enormous day on Sunday, socialising with H's work friends for nearly 10 hours and by the end, I was just all talked out. I didn't even want to listen. I just wanted to go home and be silent. I wasn't tired, I was exhausted. But now my energy is creeping up again, and here I am, reaching out in cyberspace, forcing myself to call my NY friends and warn them of my imminent disappearance, where usually my ambivalence comes in to play and I don't call and then lose friends. So on lots of levels I am getting better. Glad to be back to blogging again. Hopefully I will have easy internet connetion in Sydney.
so that's today in my life.. how is yours?
just had an interesting conversation with a girl, from Melbourne, who is in the same psychic/spiritual place that I was when I started this blog. She hates New York and is just lonely, lost and sick. But whereas my solution was to reach out, even into cyberspace, even though I felt almost repellant in my lonliness, hers is to hide. And I know that even though I was as sick as her, I got better faster. Something about being 39 (38 at the time) rather than 27. You lose even the fantasy of rescue and know, really know, at bone level, that the only solution comes from within. I know I need to connect with others, that that is my road to sanity. It is when I feel disconnected that all my troubles start.
And now I'm really ambivalent about returning to Sydney for 6 weeks. We are leaving sooner than expected and I don't feel ready for it at all. I feel like I've been leading H's life these past few weeks, as his end of project rose to a crescendo, and now I can't find my footing again, as I swim off on his agenda. True, we are returning here in Feb, which is totally my doing, but now I feel adrift. Still I feel happier than my girlfriend, who is really quite depressed.
In the end it's all about energy, what you give out, what you can take in. We had this enormous day on Sunday, socialising with H's work friends for nearly 10 hours and by the end, I was just all talked out. I didn't even want to listen. I just wanted to go home and be silent. I wasn't tired, I was exhausted. But now my energy is creeping up again, and here I am, reaching out in cyberspace, forcing myself to call my NY friends and warn them of my imminent disappearance, where usually my ambivalence comes in to play and I don't call and then lose friends. So on lots of levels I am getting better. Glad to be back to blogging again. Hopefully I will have easy internet connetion in Sydney.
so that's today in my life.. how is yours?
Monday, December 09, 2002
I know I've kind of disappeared, and I apologise. My in-laws arrived for 2 weeks, which was actually better than I expected (always helps to have low expectations!) and H came to the end of a huge project which meant lots of dinners and parties. Very nice. I've seen lots of people and chatted till my throat was dry. A good time has been had by all.
I'm tired and a bit hung over today, but the end is in sight.
We've sorted out our lives to some extent. We are going back to Sydney for 4 weeks or so, and then coming back to New York till the end of the school year. After that it's anyone's guess. We may stay here. We may move on. We may go back to Sydney. I guess I will have to become used to being a bit of a gypsy. Now that I am happy again, I am feeling brave. It's interesting, we had all these social events and everyone was telling me how good I looked (I got comments like 'glowing') followed by 'and you've lost weight'. Not true. I'm 2 pounds heavier, but it's how you feel emotionally that colours how you look, and feeling happy, I look good, wheras when I was unhappy, I looked dull.
Today I feel a bit dull, but last night I was sparkling, and that's good enough.
BJ decided he was sick today and is home from school, annoying both me and himself. Next time I'll be stricter!
and how are you?
I'm tired and a bit hung over today, but the end is in sight.
We've sorted out our lives to some extent. We are going back to Sydney for 4 weeks or so, and then coming back to New York till the end of the school year. After that it's anyone's guess. We may stay here. We may move on. We may go back to Sydney. I guess I will have to become used to being a bit of a gypsy. Now that I am happy again, I am feeling brave. It's interesting, we had all these social events and everyone was telling me how good I looked (I got comments like 'glowing') followed by 'and you've lost weight'. Not true. I'm 2 pounds heavier, but it's how you feel emotionally that colours how you look, and feeling happy, I look good, wheras when I was unhappy, I looked dull.
Today I feel a bit dull, but last night I was sparkling, and that's good enough.
BJ decided he was sick today and is home from school, annoying both me and himself. Next time I'll be stricter!
and how are you?
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