Saturday, September 21, 2002
Fiddling around with my computer, I just made every piece of text on the internet larger, by clicking on view, and then on text size. I know this is my own perculiar bug bear, but I have only visited some really interesting sites once because the print was too small (I particularly dislike black backgrounds with white text, I just find it difficult to read), but this has solved all my problems, I've moved the text size up a notch and now all is clear. How I love computers. :-)
this is very funny
I hate the internet about an english assignment gone sadly awry... bj is wingeing endlessly, that sad whiny voice which I hate! I know he's tired (we had a long day at the museum of natural history, up on 81st St) because we've had too many adventures and then we had to catch the subway home (bj lives in eternal wish to catch only taxi's, and no amount of reality can shift him)
had an unsatisfactory conversation with H. Things seem calmer, he no longer feels his job is at risk, but I still feel he is sacrificing too much to be in this (well-paid) job and perhaps I was ready for him to move on... Sigh... He's been away nearly 2 weeks now and it feels like forever, like we are establishing a routine without him. And he has only work. I don't understand men (I'm sure women do this too, but men much more) who seem to think that work is the only important thing in their life. The glimpse of dread he got when his work was threatened only convinced him to work harder, not that he needs something more... more friends, more family, more other connections. He knows he is lonely (which is good for us, his family...) and being in another town is always artificial and hard, but in reality when he is here in NY, he spends most of his time working or chilling in front of the TV. I have worked hard to create some new friendships here and have actually found some lovely women, both IRL and on the net, with whom to connect. It's a basic knowledge I have, that I need to connect with people. I guess I thought that this work crisis might be a watershed for him, but it's just going to be a blip on the road. Well we shall see.
just in case you think emails are all light and love, read this one (my home page is the Sydney Morning Herald, and it appeared in it!) a click away from humiliation I know I shouldn't perpetuate it, but it is appeals to my evil side.
I hate the internet about an english assignment gone sadly awry... bj is wingeing endlessly, that sad whiny voice which I hate! I know he's tired (we had a long day at the museum of natural history, up on 81st St) because we've had too many adventures and then we had to catch the subway home (bj lives in eternal wish to catch only taxi's, and no amount of reality can shift him)
had an unsatisfactory conversation with H. Things seem calmer, he no longer feels his job is at risk, but I still feel he is sacrificing too much to be in this (well-paid) job and perhaps I was ready for him to move on... Sigh... He's been away nearly 2 weeks now and it feels like forever, like we are establishing a routine without him. And he has only work. I don't understand men (I'm sure women do this too, but men much more) who seem to think that work is the only important thing in their life. The glimpse of dread he got when his work was threatened only convinced him to work harder, not that he needs something more... more friends, more family, more other connections. He knows he is lonely (which is good for us, his family...) and being in another town is always artificial and hard, but in reality when he is here in NY, he spends most of his time working or chilling in front of the TV. I have worked hard to create some new friendships here and have actually found some lovely women, both IRL and on the net, with whom to connect. It's a basic knowledge I have, that I need to connect with people. I guess I thought that this work crisis might be a watershed for him, but it's just going to be a blip on the road. Well we shall see.
just in case you think emails are all light and love, read this one (my home page is the Sydney Morning Herald, and it appeared in it!) a click away from humiliation I know I shouldn't perpetuate it, but it is appeals to my evil side.
Friday, September 20, 2002
busy day
Had a busy time of it, but permeated by sadness for H. I was better by the afternoon but still quiet. Did a tarot reading for a friend. Love it how accurate the cards are. It never ceases to amaze me how these randomly allocated cards tell such an accurate story. I used to do readings all the time, even did it for money with strangers, (unfamiliar people, not me in another guise) but haven't done it for a while. The magic is still there though...
Then went to the park with bj. He met up with a friend from kindy and a wild time was had by all. Bj was literally shreiking with delight. Came home drenched and sandy, and straight into the bath with him. A nice way to end the week.
Home and tired but glad that today is done, the weekend is here. I miss H, and wish he were here. It's bad enough to go through dark stuff, but to do it a continent a part is too much.
Had a busy time of it, but permeated by sadness for H. I was better by the afternoon but still quiet. Did a tarot reading for a friend. Love it how accurate the cards are. It never ceases to amaze me how these randomly allocated cards tell such an accurate story. I used to do readings all the time, even did it for money with strangers, (unfamiliar people, not me in another guise) but haven't done it for a while. The magic is still there though...
Then went to the park with bj. He met up with a friend from kindy and a wild time was had by all. Bj was literally shreiking with delight. Came home drenched and sandy, and straight into the bath with him. A nice way to end the week.
Home and tired but glad that today is done, the weekend is here. I miss H, and wish he were here. It's bad enough to go through dark stuff, but to do it a continent a part is too much.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
just had bad news from H who is not having a good time with work. I really feel for him. He really finds his sense of self through work, and so when it is threatened, everything is threatened. I am sad for for him, but not frightened. I wonder if I'm in denial or if I just know, that a) more work will come and b) there is more to life than work. Whatever happens we nearly own our house outright already, and if we have to simplify our lifestyle, well, I've been thinking that for some time anyway. But he is devestated. I hope it works out the way he wants. I really feel for his sadness. I wish I could hug him, but he is across the country. Poor baby.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
in a not good space
I'm in a not good space and I want to figure out why, because my eating is out of control right now. I'm buying cakes regularly and I feel disgustingly fat. I hate it when I get like this. I have no order in my life. H being away is one thing, S being here is another. Somehow coping with her presence, which is fundamentally a good one, is still triggering for me. I am not eating properly or in any sensible order around her. I have to get my routine back on track, because the weight piles on eaily and trickles off so so slowly.
Of course acknowledging this is already letting some of the tension leave my calves. I havn't gone to the gym at all this week for a variety of sound reasons but I feel even blobbier than usual. I really need order in my life, it's just one of my fundamentals. I am used to my husband leaving early and arriving late, and when my sister is around all the time, and I'm waiting for her to get off the internet and leave, so I can blog in this public private way, I'm sitting there munching on something. This whole use of food and space is so old for me. I was thinking the other night as I was frantically looking for something chocolate (found nothing, I'm sane in the supermarket, won't let myself bring it into the house) that there is part of me that is not prepared to be adult yet. The childish part which acts without thought or consequences, that part wants, really really wants, to be able to eat to her hearts content and loose weight. I want to loose weight while not dieting, not restricting myself in any way, and is pissed off that I can't. Which is insane. I know that. But somehow when that part of me is activated, that part is just dominates and I can't seem to control it. I'm a total fucking addict when I'm in that space. Thank god it's not heroin because I know I would never be able to give it up.
Sigh.
I was so wired this morning, bj saying he hates school, me feeling guilty and fraught at pushing him off (well, of course I have to send him to school, and part of life is learning self -disciplin, something I patently lack, maybe that was why I was so upset, I want him to have the disciplin that I don't, I don't want him to grow up and visit this space.) and all I wanted to do was come home and soothe myself with spider solitaire. But my sister, as a normal human being, wanted to talk to me and then tell me that it was okay be rational about bj and his moods, and it made me feel worse. So I went off to my strange social group that I attend once a month (more on that another time) and it was awful, of course, because I was in this jarring weird mood to start with. Then the women I was walking with were dawdling on the way to the subway and I couldn't race ahead without being rude and time began to speed up as it does in those circumstances and for the first time I was late for group. I am habitaully punctual, but especially when in therapist mode. Their lives are so chaotic and full of casual abandonment, and I want to be something other than that. So I come in and there are only 2 of them, and talking to these damaged dysfunctional men, I calm down and come into myelf. They ask me how my morning was and I answer honestly, that it was not good and I was stressed but as I said it, the stress left me. The session was unexpectedly productive, with one of the most difficult clients, opening up and saying stuff I had never heard from him before and when he told me that he had never told any (white) person this, I believed him, and thanked him for his trust. The other day the group payed me the ultimate compliment - they didn't want to leave at the end.
S is out tonight and slowly I come into myself, giving myself space for insight.
So moments of sanity, but still I finished all the pie. Maybe that should be the title of my blog! Gotta laugh.
I'm in a not good space and I want to figure out why, because my eating is out of control right now. I'm buying cakes regularly and I feel disgustingly fat. I hate it when I get like this. I have no order in my life. H being away is one thing, S being here is another. Somehow coping with her presence, which is fundamentally a good one, is still triggering for me. I am not eating properly or in any sensible order around her. I have to get my routine back on track, because the weight piles on eaily and trickles off so so slowly.
Of course acknowledging this is already letting some of the tension leave my calves. I havn't gone to the gym at all this week for a variety of sound reasons but I feel even blobbier than usual. I really need order in my life, it's just one of my fundamentals. I am used to my husband leaving early and arriving late, and when my sister is around all the time, and I'm waiting for her to get off the internet and leave, so I can blog in this public private way, I'm sitting there munching on something. This whole use of food and space is so old for me. I was thinking the other night as I was frantically looking for something chocolate (found nothing, I'm sane in the supermarket, won't let myself bring it into the house) that there is part of me that is not prepared to be adult yet. The childish part which acts without thought or consequences, that part wants, really really wants, to be able to eat to her hearts content and loose weight. I want to loose weight while not dieting, not restricting myself in any way, and is pissed off that I can't. Which is insane. I know that. But somehow when that part of me is activated, that part is just dominates and I can't seem to control it. I'm a total fucking addict when I'm in that space. Thank god it's not heroin because I know I would never be able to give it up.
Sigh.
I was so wired this morning, bj saying he hates school, me feeling guilty and fraught at pushing him off (well, of course I have to send him to school, and part of life is learning self -disciplin, something I patently lack, maybe that was why I was so upset, I want him to have the disciplin that I don't, I don't want him to grow up and visit this space.) and all I wanted to do was come home and soothe myself with spider solitaire. But my sister, as a normal human being, wanted to talk to me and then tell me that it was okay be rational about bj and his moods, and it made me feel worse. So I went off to my strange social group that I attend once a month (more on that another time) and it was awful, of course, because I was in this jarring weird mood to start with. Then the women I was walking with were dawdling on the way to the subway and I couldn't race ahead without being rude and time began to speed up as it does in those circumstances and for the first time I was late for group. I am habitaully punctual, but especially when in therapist mode. Their lives are so chaotic and full of casual abandonment, and I want to be something other than that. So I come in and there are only 2 of them, and talking to these damaged dysfunctional men, I calm down and come into myelf. They ask me how my morning was and I answer honestly, that it was not good and I was stressed but as I said it, the stress left me. The session was unexpectedly productive, with one of the most difficult clients, opening up and saying stuff I had never heard from him before and when he told me that he had never told any (white) person this, I believed him, and thanked him for his trust. The other day the group payed me the ultimate compliment - they didn't want to leave at the end.
S is out tonight and slowly I come into myself, giving myself space for insight.
So moments of sanity, but still I finished all the pie. Maybe that should be the title of my blog! Gotta laugh.
the computer is threatening to die on me, which is a pretty scary thought. New York without my husband for 6 weeks is hard, NY without my computer is impossible! God I hope it stays together till H returns. He has a touch for these things, which I just don't, as well as an understanding of the systems, which frankly, I'm just skating on.. I'm impressed if I can add in a few links, I've no idea how to do the hard stuff.
Worried.
Worried.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
so tired, it's not even 7 pm and I can barely keep my eyes open. Walked all over NY today, as well as doing 2 hours of charity work (sticking stickers on cards for the Alzheimer's association... a friend of mine's mother has alheimers and she is doing what she can to help.)
BJ is watching out of the box and it is so sweet, cloyingly so, but also trying to tell them good morals - lying is bad/sad, telling the truth is good. Everyone is so kind in their stories, they all learn through sharing, they all are willing to see the light. What do kids do when they meet with bullying behaviour that doesn't shift when it is pointed out... or mean adults? I'm not talking about true evil, just your standard inconsiderate adults, what do we do about them, when they won't listen to the sweet voice of reason? And there there is evil. I was reading in the the New York Times this awful story about a woman who had encouraged the soldiers to rape women in order to further humiliate/terrorise them before killing them. I just felt heartsick. There is such crazy evil in the world, and yet.. and yet there is beauty too. I don't just want to see the beauty at the cost of not looking, and I don't just want to see the evil, but sometimes the bad stuff is really glaring. Sigh.
Physically and spiritually tired. Off to make fish for dinner. And then an early night.
BJ is watching out of the box and it is so sweet, cloyingly so, but also trying to tell them good morals - lying is bad/sad, telling the truth is good. Everyone is so kind in their stories, they all learn through sharing, they all are willing to see the light. What do kids do when they meet with bullying behaviour that doesn't shift when it is pointed out... or mean adults? I'm not talking about true evil, just your standard inconsiderate adults, what do we do about them, when they won't listen to the sweet voice of reason? And there there is evil. I was reading in the the New York Times this awful story about a woman who had encouraged the soldiers to rape women in order to further humiliate/terrorise them before killing them. I just felt heartsick. There is such crazy evil in the world, and yet.. and yet there is beauty too. I don't just want to see the beauty at the cost of not looking, and I don't just want to see the evil, but sometimes the bad stuff is really glaring. Sigh.
Physically and spiritually tired. Off to make fish for dinner. And then an early night.
my hotmail account is broken.
It sends but does not accept emails. And it doesn't tell the sender that the email hasn't been accepted. So it looks like your email gets through, but I never get it. Bad news. I am trying to sort it out with hotmail, but I am not hopeful. So if anyone has sent me emails lately, sorry but they didn't get through.
Off to kindy.
Bye.
It sends but does not accept emails. And it doesn't tell the sender that the email hasn't been accepted. So it looks like your email gets through, but I never get it. Bad news. I am trying to sort it out with hotmail, but I am not hopeful. So if anyone has sent me emails lately, sorry but they didn't get through.
Off to kindy.
Bye.
Monday, September 16, 2002
what do men really want?
On to that age old topic. I had this fascinating discussion in one of my men's group today, which revealed so many different issues, but one which stood out for me was this age old split between 'decent' women (madonna's/baby-mothers/good women) and 'girlfriends' (whores/good time girls/sexual objects) and how difficult it is for men to entwine the two.
But what I was thinking about as they were talking is... why do their women put up with it? The men talk about how they are not faithful but the women have to be, and when I talk about double standards they don't have a coherent answer other than to say that women don't know how to be unfaithful, they keep making a heart ache of it, and that men do it better. I thought, why would I put up with these guys.
The men were complaining that women were 'loose' and I said, 'well what do you tie them with? You don't offer them marriage or commitment or fidelity, why shouldn't they slip away?' and yet one of the men was saying how his three 'baby-mothers' all get on well, and join together for thanksgiving dinner, all 8 kids, 3 moms at his mother's hourse. (He's an only child and manages to fill his mother's house with more than enough grandchildren) These men lead such cluttered lives and have so much to say that it is hard to give them any pearls of insight, but I did say that they give women an enormous amount of power by refusing to take any control around contraception. They decry the various women in their lives but don't seem to take any thought in their choices.
And then S was telling me of the exciting, amusing, university educated, middle class men she knows who are essentially doing the same thing. She concludes that there are different types of men, the players and the stayers, for lack of better labels, and some women are eternally and hopelessly trying to convert group a into group b.
bj is breaking his delicate magic toys and complaining bitterly. He did however read his first sentence today in his internet reading programme (which really does choose weird words to learn, but we've bought it and we'll keep ploughing through it) While she is in NY my sister and I are on the ultimate bagel quest, a journey I find far more engaging than touring museums, which sadly says much about me!
Actually I am feeling oddly pressured to go to all the museums but in reality I don't enjoy them all that much. I really am in internet baby. I don't mind museums, I just don't need them. Oh well... I'll stop rambling here. How was your day?
On to that age old topic. I had this fascinating discussion in one of my men's group today, which revealed so many different issues, but one which stood out for me was this age old split between 'decent' women (madonna's/baby-mothers/good women) and 'girlfriends' (whores/good time girls/sexual objects) and how difficult it is for men to entwine the two.
But what I was thinking about as they were talking is... why do their women put up with it? The men talk about how they are not faithful but the women have to be, and when I talk about double standards they don't have a coherent answer other than to say that women don't know how to be unfaithful, they keep making a heart ache of it, and that men do it better. I thought, why would I put up with these guys.
The men were complaining that women were 'loose' and I said, 'well what do you tie them with? You don't offer them marriage or commitment or fidelity, why shouldn't they slip away?' and yet one of the men was saying how his three 'baby-mothers' all get on well, and join together for thanksgiving dinner, all 8 kids, 3 moms at his mother's hourse. (He's an only child and manages to fill his mother's house with more than enough grandchildren) These men lead such cluttered lives and have so much to say that it is hard to give them any pearls of insight, but I did say that they give women an enormous amount of power by refusing to take any control around contraception. They decry the various women in their lives but don't seem to take any thought in their choices.
And then S was telling me of the exciting, amusing, university educated, middle class men she knows who are essentially doing the same thing. She concludes that there are different types of men, the players and the stayers, for lack of better labels, and some women are eternally and hopelessly trying to convert group a into group b.
bj is breaking his delicate magic toys and complaining bitterly. He did however read his first sentence today in his internet reading programme (which really does choose weird words to learn, but we've bought it and we'll keep ploughing through it) While she is in NY my sister and I are on the ultimate bagel quest, a journey I find far more engaging than touring museums, which sadly says much about me!
Actually I am feeling oddly pressured to go to all the museums but in reality I don't enjoy them all that much. I really am in internet baby. I don't mind museums, I just don't need them. Oh well... I'll stop rambling here. How was your day?
Sunday, September 15, 2002
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Low |
| Narcissistic: | Low |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
-- Click Here To Take The Test -- | |
let's see if it works this time...
all is revealed!
So here I am, moderately schizotypal. And when I looked back at the questions, to see why, it is because I believe in extra sensory powers. Well, it just so happens that I do believe that we don't know half of what the brain can do. We use about 5-10% of it and what is the other 90% doing? My prediction for the year 3000 is that they will say, do you know how ignorant they were in the year 2000, they didn't believe in the 6th sense, the pyschic sense.
I also believe that to develop your pychic sense, like developing your artistic abilites, you need to be trained. If Da Vinci lived in cave times, he would be spitting on his hands to create art. The reason he could do more than that was that he had a foundation to build on. Psychics on the other hand keep having to reinvent the wheel each time, because there is no foundation on which to build. But we are getting a bit better, and as we learn more, we will be able to teach more, and the foundation will strengthen.
Well, that's my schizotypal point of view, in any case! (it also put me in that category because my sentences are convoluted, and my train of thought occassionally hard to follow - and that, sadly, is true.)
So, has any of this made sense?
So here I am, moderately schizotypal. And when I looked back at the questions, to see why, it is because I believe in extra sensory powers. Well, it just so happens that I do believe that we don't know half of what the brain can do. We use about 5-10% of it and what is the other 90% doing? My prediction for the year 3000 is that they will say, do you know how ignorant they were in the year 2000, they didn't believe in the 6th sense, the pyschic sense.
I also believe that to develop your pychic sense, like developing your artistic abilites, you need to be trained. If Da Vinci lived in cave times, he would be spitting on his hands to create art. The reason he could do more than that was that he had a foundation to build on. Psychics on the other hand keep having to reinvent the wheel each time, because there is no foundation on which to build. But we are getting a bit better, and as we learn more, we will be able to teach more, and the foundation will strengthen.
Well, that's my schizotypal point of view, in any case! (it also put me in that category because my sentences are convoluted, and my train of thought occassionally hard to follow - and that, sadly, is true.)
So, has any of this made sense?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
