Needing greater depths
worried that this is degenerating into a boring journal, with no real insight - a bit like my life, being lived but not thought about sufficiently. I need to think with a bit more depth. Read my sister's book on the weekend, and it was wonderful, well written, interesting, expansive. And what am I doing with my life...
my body is crying out for yoga and I'm not going. I'm not writing anything I want to reread, and I'm not giving any useful workshops. Too much junk food, ebay and television. Time for more depth, both here and in my life.
Friday, April 18, 2003
another day shopping. Went with H to the Apple Mac store. I said to his sister that this store is like pornography for H and H laughed and agreed. He just loves it there, can spend hours there, and in theory buy nothing, but he always manages to walk out $100 poorer. He bought a gizmo which makes his ipod work in the car. Of course we don't have a car in NY but we do have one in Sydney....
Went clothes shopping with my sister in law. BJ was just perfect, playing nicely in all the stores and being very patient through out. I think I reached the end of my tether before he did his! But we are home with a hot cup of tea now, so all is forgiven.
Went clothes shopping with my sister in law. BJ was just perfect, playing nicely in all the stores and being very patient through out. I think I reached the end of my tether before he did his! But we are home with a hot cup of tea now, so all is forgiven.
An unexpected result, really...
So which fairy tale archetype are you? Hmm??
made by Michelle at EmptySpace.
I don't think of myself as the heroine. Happy result. Then again, I didn't see the other options...
So which fairy tale archetype are you? Hmm??
made by Michelle at EmptySpace.
I don't think of myself as the heroine. Happy result. Then again, I didn't see the other options...
Thursday, April 17, 2003
feeling slightly less emotional.
Had a good day. Went to macys and saw a new pair of gloria vanderbuilt jeans in a lovely crisp black. I was wearing mine which are a definite charcoal grey! So I took the new pair ($40.00) and then saw another pair in a lovely indigo and hemmed and hawed and took them too. So there I was, prepared to pay $80.00, with thoughts of ebay ticking in my mind but aware that I might have to wait for ages and this was precisely what I wanted. Anyways, I go to pay and they were $24.95 each. I got two pairs for under $50.00. Well chuffed at my unexpected savings.
Also bought bj a pair of much needed new shoes. Unbeknownst to me, they looked quite normal on display but when he put them on, they have flashing lights which shine red and green when he jumps. Of course after that there was no chance he would buy anything else. So he is delighted. I asked the saleswoman and she said that the shoes would wear out before the lights did. Oh well. At least he has new shoes.
My sister in law and her girl friend are here for a week and so far it's been lovely, though exhausting. We went shopping with them and they got a lovley bargain trench coat reduced from $299 to $72!! You can't ask for better than that. So we a happy day was had by all. Nap time now.
Had a good day. Went to macys and saw a new pair of gloria vanderbuilt jeans in a lovely crisp black. I was wearing mine which are a definite charcoal grey! So I took the new pair ($40.00) and then saw another pair in a lovely indigo and hemmed and hawed and took them too. So there I was, prepared to pay $80.00, with thoughts of ebay ticking in my mind but aware that I might have to wait for ages and this was precisely what I wanted. Anyways, I go to pay and they were $24.95 each. I got two pairs for under $50.00. Well chuffed at my unexpected savings.
Also bought bj a pair of much needed new shoes. Unbeknownst to me, they looked quite normal on display but when he put them on, they have flashing lights which shine red and green when he jumps. Of course after that there was no chance he would buy anything else. So he is delighted. I asked the saleswoman and she said that the shoes would wear out before the lights did. Oh well. At least he has new shoes.
My sister in law and her girl friend are here for a week and so far it's been lovely, though exhausting. We went shopping with them and they got a lovley bargain trench coat reduced from $299 to $72!! You can't ask for better than that. So we a happy day was had by all. Nap time now.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
had a weird moment.
I was watching Knots Landing (I know, I know..) anyways, Val's babys have just been returned to her and the adoptive mother is stalking her (it is a soap, after all) and I thought about what I would do if bj had been taken away from me when he was 7 months old or how ever old these twins are meant to be, and all of a sudden, out of no where, I was sobbing. I don't mean tearing up delicately or even crying. I mean face crumpling, ugly, sobbing. I just cried and cried at the thought of being separated from my son. I really believe that if someone had approached me at that age (and especially now, but even then) and said there was a mix up at the hospital and this is not your biological child, I would have said, well, we're keeping what we have. I just loved him so much. And I just felt that adoptive mother's angst. It was as if because she was not the biological mother she wouldn't be having a nervous break down, that only the biological mother had the right to do that, and I was so shattered on her behalf. Of course after 7 months you are just besotted. The birth is incidental by then. I just felt this overwhelming rush of emotion. I have a headache now, from the strength of my tears.
Told you it was a weird moment.
It's passover tonight. For the first time bj understands enough to have an idea that something is going to happen and that he has a role in it. I am really looking forward to it.
I was watching Knots Landing (I know, I know..) anyways, Val's babys have just been returned to her and the adoptive mother is stalking her (it is a soap, after all) and I thought about what I would do if bj had been taken away from me when he was 7 months old or how ever old these twins are meant to be, and all of a sudden, out of no where, I was sobbing. I don't mean tearing up delicately or even crying. I mean face crumpling, ugly, sobbing. I just cried and cried at the thought of being separated from my son. I really believe that if someone had approached me at that age (and especially now, but even then) and said there was a mix up at the hospital and this is not your biological child, I would have said, well, we're keeping what we have. I just loved him so much. And I just felt that adoptive mother's angst. It was as if because she was not the biological mother she wouldn't be having a nervous break down, that only the biological mother had the right to do that, and I was so shattered on her behalf. Of course after 7 months you are just besotted. The birth is incidental by then. I just felt this overwhelming rush of emotion. I have a headache now, from the strength of my tears.
Told you it was a weird moment.
It's passover tonight. For the first time bj understands enough to have an idea that something is going to happen and that he has a role in it. I am really looking forward to it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
A ridiculous sort of day
had a ridiculous sort of day, the type I have whenever I'm in a 'bad' spell. I've been writing a romance, or at least trying to, but on rereading my first 30 pages it was the worst of all things - boring. Well written, but boring. So it's back to the drawing board for that. I feel restless and bored, which is not surprising seeing I am doing so little. And yet today I was actually quite productive. I went to a job interview for the Tribeca Film Festival and will work there for the next 2 plus weeks. I went to the Apple Mac shop to listen to their free (but inchoherant) talk on photoshop. I had a pleasant chat with a neighbour and we agreed to have a play date next week when bj is on spring break. I tidied the house for my sister in law who is arriving tomorrow for a week with her girlfriend. I did 4 loads of washing, ironing and watched Knots Landing. And I stood in the street and raised my face to the sun and earned a smile from a passing stranger for my sunworship. It doesn't sound like a bad sort of day but in the middle of it I found myself thinking that my life is pointless, I am talentless and directionless and generally wasting my precious life/time.
had a ridiculous sort of day, the type I have whenever I'm in a 'bad' spell. I've been writing a romance, or at least trying to, but on rereading my first 30 pages it was the worst of all things - boring. Well written, but boring. So it's back to the drawing board for that. I feel restless and bored, which is not surprising seeing I am doing so little. And yet today I was actually quite productive. I went to a job interview for the Tribeca Film Festival and will work there for the next 2 plus weeks. I went to the Apple Mac shop to listen to their free (but inchoherant) talk on photoshop. I had a pleasant chat with a neighbour and we agreed to have a play date next week when bj is on spring break. I tidied the house for my sister in law who is arriving tomorrow for a week with her girlfriend. I did 4 loads of washing, ironing and watched Knots Landing. And I stood in the street and raised my face to the sun and earned a smile from a passing stranger for my sunworship. It doesn't sound like a bad sort of day but in the middle of it I found myself thinking that my life is pointless, I am talentless and directionless and generally wasting my precious life/time.
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