A life of my own

F, a friend, asked me what I wanted from my life if I left my husband. I thought about it and I said 'a life of my own'. At this point in time I really feel I am living his life: travelling for his work needs, living his preferred lifestyle, following his values. I want to work again, which I haven't been able to do while we are in the US, and I want to be busy with my own life, rather than feeling I am hanging in on his. I want to live in the sort of house I like, warm, charming, cheerful, not in his: grand, imposing, luxurious. He finds my complaints incomprehensible, because I want things smaller, less expensive, less impressive.

And when I thought of living a life of my own, having friends drop in, loosing the ideal of perfection, I just felt so much freer. I told my sister that I wanted to live in a block a flats we had seen earlier when house-hunting for our mother, and she laughed and said 'you must be miserable then!' But I feel energy flow through me at the thought of living 'a life of my own'.

So here's the plan. We give it 6 months, trying to have an open heart while doing it. And I concentrate on loosing weight. If Elizabethe Hurley can loose 24 kilos in 3 months why can't I? So I'll suffer for 3 months, so I'll be hungry and cranky, won't the end result be worth it? I would feel so much more confident about leaving H if I were thinner. I don't want to be trapped into staying with him through fear. This is my one and only life, I have to own it. I can't keep hiding from it.

So, that's the next 6 month's goals. Stop bingeing. Do what ever it takes to loose weight, think of what I will do when we return to Sydney. I'll be 40, no matter of 'when I grow up' I am grown up. And in a weird way I finally feel ready to take adult responsibilities. I want to be in charge of my own life. I don't want H to keep taking all the responsibility, leaving me comfortable but childishly dependant. I would rather be uncomfortable and independent. No wonder he finds me incomprehensible! Poor H, gets all his power from controlling the details but I no longer wish to be controlled...

happy new year

blessings to all, may we receive what we wish for and what we deserve in this new year.

I'm not sure about either for myself - don't know my wishes, don't know what I deserve but I will strive for integrity and clarity, and joy of course. bj is being particularly sweet lately, especially in comparison to other children we meet, and I am feeling very blessed there. Had a strange new years eve, talking openly with strangers and watching my words with people who knew me better. Had a few beautiful moments, even though I couldn't get my arms to relax. Always know when the drugs are taking effect, when I finally feel the tension in my arms let go, and actually just float in my body. Well, nothing could shut up my critical voice or relax my arms totally, but I did have some beauty and joy and I've decide to focus on what I have, rather than what I lack... at least for today!

So good wishes to all, and my prayers go with you...

blessings

stranger... in a land becoming more familiar...