MSN deleted my email!
I hadn't realised that it had been so long since I last checked it, but I didn't realise that they deleted it if you didn't check on it at least once every 30 days. I've reactivated now. Sorry if anyone emailed me. The messages, including all my saved stuff, are gone forever. Very weird feeling. Of course you don't want all these dormant addresses taking up cyberspace but I didn't realise that they could just delete everything.
Anyways, my email is valid once more, if anyone wants to send me one. I do apologise if anyone feels that I've been rude, it wasn't intentional. I promise to check up on it with far greater regularity!
Maybe this way the junk mail will ease up...
Thursday, March 20, 2003
War
nothing to say
too much to say
I've been reading so many articles about the war, the need for war, the causes of war, the reasons why it's a dreadful thing, the reason's why it's essential. I'm over this war and it's barely begun.
I worry about the soldiers. All the soldiers. God if BJ was a soldier I would be so worried. And every one of those soldiers has a mother somewhere... Actually I worry more for the mothers. The soldiers have each other, their training, they know (a bit) what's going on. Their mothers are glued to the TV's wondering where their kids are, what's going on, if they are safe... I wonder if they still send telegrams if someone dies. I wonder how many deaths will come and what it means.
there was this long involved chat on the message boards I frequent about God and Satan and how any NY dinner conversation can talk about psychodynamic approaches to childrearing and every one would fall silent and stare if someone mentioned exorcism or the work of the devil. I don't need an external force to lead us to evil. I think we can do it perfectly well on our own. But then I was thinking about earlier, how I said that depression is not a choice or controllable and how you try to be logical with it, but still it sits on you like a wet woolen blanket, making you smell and chilled and there is nothing you can do about it. And the weird thought occured, maybe evil falls on you like that too. But then I said, just as I didn't kill myself when depression came to vist, I haven't killed others when rage fell on me. So there was choice and empowerment even in the grip (though you could argue that it just hadn't gripped hard enough). I don't want to buy an external evil force/satan because I feel it robs me of choice and responsibility. It's like 'the devil made me do it' or 'my fucked childhood made me do it' Either of them don't cut it with me. You have choice. Even with a fucked childhood or a demon on your shoulder, you have choices.
Am I making sense here? I wish I had a spell check. I always transpose letters when I ramble like this and then feel embarrassed/ashamed later.
nothing to say
too much to say
I've been reading so many articles about the war, the need for war, the causes of war, the reasons why it's a dreadful thing, the reason's why it's essential. I'm over this war and it's barely begun.
I worry about the soldiers. All the soldiers. God if BJ was a soldier I would be so worried. And every one of those soldiers has a mother somewhere... Actually I worry more for the mothers. The soldiers have each other, their training, they know (a bit) what's going on. Their mothers are glued to the TV's wondering where their kids are, what's going on, if they are safe... I wonder if they still send telegrams if someone dies. I wonder how many deaths will come and what it means.
there was this long involved chat on the message boards I frequent about God and Satan and how any NY dinner conversation can talk about psychodynamic approaches to childrearing and every one would fall silent and stare if someone mentioned exorcism or the work of the devil. I don't need an external force to lead us to evil. I think we can do it perfectly well on our own. But then I was thinking about earlier, how I said that depression is not a choice or controllable and how you try to be logical with it, but still it sits on you like a wet woolen blanket, making you smell and chilled and there is nothing you can do about it. And the weird thought occured, maybe evil falls on you like that too. But then I said, just as I didn't kill myself when depression came to vist, I haven't killed others when rage fell on me. So there was choice and empowerment even in the grip (though you could argue that it just hadn't gripped hard enough). I don't want to buy an external evil force/satan because I feel it robs me of choice and responsibility. It's like 'the devil made me do it' or 'my fucked childhood made me do it' Either of them don't cut it with me. You have choice. Even with a fucked childhood or a demon on your shoulder, you have choices.
Am I making sense here? I wish I had a spell check. I always transpose letters when I ramble like this and then feel embarrassed/ashamed later.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
It's me again. we have a house guest which is pleasant but completely throwing off my normal routines. if anything about my life can be called normal right now!
A thing that has been playing on my awareness. I did a check to see where my random hits were coming from. And guess what. They weren't coming from suicidal thoughts about relationships or the struggle of long term marriages to survive. Nope. They came from my reference to my obssession with popcap games and Knots Landing. Knots Landing is haunting me where ever I go! I've been telling everyone my reasons for viewing it (scroll backwards, you'll come to it) and getting all sorts of responses - from 'we can no longer trust your intellectual integrity' to 'I know exactly where you are coming from' But everyone knows the show. No one has said, 'I've never heard of it and have no idea what you are talking about.' I have to say that this particular series, 1985 I think, is especially bad, but at one a day, we are whizzing through the year. (Valene has run away and forgotten her true self and is working as a waitress in reaction to having her twins stolen.. yes it's as bad as it sounds) but still I watch. The makeup has to be seen to be believed. It's like kabuki masks, it's so thick and painted. And the clothes are just ugly. But it has this powerful pull of nostalgia and I love the fact that TiVo can record it for me and I wait till the house is quite and alone and watch it sipping tea. Bliss.
I bumped into a friend this morning who told me how well I looked. And I said to her that just as depression is beyond our control and just seems to fall on us, so too is happiness. I am happy. There is no real reason for it, in that nothing has changed, but I feel so much better about my life that it shows in my eyes. So I am just accepting this good phase, as I have struggled through the bad ones, and am grateful.
Thoughts on the war later, I'll leave it on a positive note
Take care
A thing that has been playing on my awareness. I did a check to see where my random hits were coming from. And guess what. They weren't coming from suicidal thoughts about relationships or the struggle of long term marriages to survive. Nope. They came from my reference to my obssession with popcap games and Knots Landing. Knots Landing is haunting me where ever I go! I've been telling everyone my reasons for viewing it (scroll backwards, you'll come to it) and getting all sorts of responses - from 'we can no longer trust your intellectual integrity' to 'I know exactly where you are coming from' But everyone knows the show. No one has said, 'I've never heard of it and have no idea what you are talking about.' I have to say that this particular series, 1985 I think, is especially bad, but at one a day, we are whizzing through the year. (Valene has run away and forgotten her true self and is working as a waitress in reaction to having her twins stolen.. yes it's as bad as it sounds) but still I watch. The makeup has to be seen to be believed. It's like kabuki masks, it's so thick and painted. And the clothes are just ugly. But it has this powerful pull of nostalgia and I love the fact that TiVo can record it for me and I wait till the house is quite and alone and watch it sipping tea. Bliss.
I bumped into a friend this morning who told me how well I looked. And I said to her that just as depression is beyond our control and just seems to fall on us, so too is happiness. I am happy. There is no real reason for it, in that nothing has changed, but I feel so much better about my life that it shows in my eyes. So I am just accepting this good phase, as I have struggled through the bad ones, and am grateful.
Thoughts on the war later, I'll leave it on a positive note
Take care
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
