so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, but I had a better day. We went to a birthday party for a child from day care and I met 2 other moms who were lovely. After the party they took me to a child friendly area (I hesitate to call it a park, as there was not a blade of grass to be seen) that was nearby where they had an sandy section, where we could sit and sprinklers at the bottom, so it was almost like being at the beach. Beach New York style. Actually it was a lot of fun and the mothers were nice to me and nice to each other. They also took the birthday boy with us to give his very pregnant mom a break. I liked that about them too. It's the first time in a while that I have meet nice people IRL. The men were less impressive, with their conversation limited to their sales on e-bay and their attempts to rip off amazon (both those men were late 30's and single) but the women were good value.

I've done it, I've managed to put in a link on the left hand side!!! YAY!! Of course, I don't actually need a link to google there, but I needed to learn how to do it, so I will leave it there until I decide what links I do want to put in.

stranger, cheered up immensely (see, it's the little things in life that make you happy)

not quite the stone of despair, more like the fog of indifference today. It's a 'whatever' sort of day. My energy is low and sad and I feel fragile. Did everything I was meant to do, but feel joyless. That's it. I am joyless.

tired and no energy today.

Went and saw Into the Woods by Sondheim last night. Not the best production I've ever seen but it is such a well written, clever, sad, funny, poignant piece. I enjoyed it alot. The two princes were terrific (it's based on fairy tales) and how they love best women who are unavailable (in tower, in a thicket, in a glass coffin...) And the baker's wife who so wanted a child. I liked it a lot. If it ever comes your way, grab a ticket.

$16.72 later (not including the $2.90 cab fare) and all is relief. The boxes are gone. The man at UPS even found me a proper box to put my 3 idiotic boxes in. Order and serentity came from chaos and panic. I actually felt lighter. A man said 'hello sweetie, how's it going' and I was able to respond, 'all's well, thank you' as opposed to 'I'm semi suicidal and totally crazy, what's it to you?' I'm all for a civil society, where we can greet one another politely.

Had a little rant about Oprah in the comments. I'll expand on it here. I like the idea of Oprah more than the reality. I like that she broke all the stereotypes, black, female, fat, not especially educated or beautiful, totally awful adolescence, makes to being the first self made female black billionaire. I like that story. I'm proud of her and happy for her accomplishments. It's just when I watch the show, which is not all that often, I find her a bit irritating. She's an awful interviewer. She interrupts, doesn't listen properly, tells her own anecdotes, she's not interviewing at all. More like celebrity chatting. I like her interests - therapy, spirituality, self help. There's just something a bit cloying about the way she presents it. I really admire her book club ambition, to get middle america to read. I'm 100% behind that. It's just I find her selections are a bit samey... read 5, you've read them all. Now, I guess, she's just like everyone's old friend. There on the telly, so familiar, that you don't actually see her anymore. I like her magazine, but to have only her face on the cover of every single issue, is well... odd. I think there is more back story to her empire than the very glowing (sanitised?) version that we are told.

Still, I like her. Better her than those hatefilled, argumentative hosts. Her goals are admirable, and she has changed America. That's pretty bloody amazing. But I haven't read Dr Phil He looks way too much like the Hank who used to say 'hey now' on Garry Shandling's Show - The Larry Sanders Show (I know if I wombled on long enough it would come to me) I loved that show. That was biting and real. Shame it ended.

I'll ramble about my favourite TV shows another day (though loving West Wing, it and 6 feet Under are my current passions) off to do the ironing now. I think people in New York can't iron, but that's another story...

sometimes I really don't understand myself. There are certain things in life I just cannot do, or, I do, but with maximum panic, fear, discomfort, and even pain.

I have to return something that was delivered to me. I just can't make it to the post office. It takes me days, weeks, a full month, the package sits on my desk, taking up way too much space and making me feel like I'm some sort of failure. I finally take it to the post office. I am missing some details, I can't send the package as is, it was delivered by UPS and they have a different somethingorother. I don't even argue. I knew it.

So I take it home.

Another fortnight passes.

I decide to return two items, not just the boxed orignal. I give myself a deadline.

Today there is nothing else to do, but deliver the package. I spend the morning on the internet. Somehow, and trust me, I'm internet savvy enough to do a search!, I can't find ups. It doesn't occur to me to type in ups.com. and Google doesn't like my questions. I find the Fedex offices. Is that the same thing? I snap at my child who wants something, 'mummy is busy!' but I'm going, 'fuckit, fuckit, fuckit' under my breath. Finally, I get it. Okay, it's ups.com. I do searches. They tell me there is a drop off point two doors down. I don't believe them. I walk down the street all the time, I've never seen a drop off point. I walk by. Inside the office building in the foyer, is a UPS box. I had never been inside the building. But it won't take my package, which is too big. Luckily, I reconnoitered without the package. So I find the nearest ground delivery drop off point, which is less than half a mile away. I walk up to it, and it is mamoth, with huge driveways for delivery trucks, going up to 100 (I am in Manhattan, after all) I turn my ankle so painfully, tears come to my eyes. I hobble past the 100 driveways till I get to the office. They don't sell anything to bundle up the package, you have to provide the boxing. Why don't they? Okay, I go home, find a recent amazon.com box to put the stuff in, print up another letter explaining why I am returning this stuff, and my heart is pounding. I'm just frozen, fearful, almost crying. I can't find the scotch tape anywhere. My 4 year old hid it near the television. I have to talk soothingly to myself the entire time I am looking for it. I promise myself all sorts of treats once it is done. But I feel paralysed. The dread creeping thought, maybe you can go and do it tomorrow. But I can't bear another day with it. It's reached a crisis in my mind.

Sometimes I feel like a alien from another planet (or a stranger from a strange land!) there are basic things that everyone appears to be able to do, that I just cannot. Filling out forms, and dealing with post are not just complex, or difficult or confusing. They are actually emotionally exhausting for me. In the past, I have given my mother all forms to fill out. My sister filled out my son's school enrolment form. My husband does my tax. I hate the fear I go into when these things are asked of me. They are reasonable requests, but I can't respond to them reasonably.

I'm going now. I'm going to get into a cab with my two unweildly and quite heavy boxes, get myself dropped off, in front of the UPS door (nearest corner is not good enough) and get rid of these idiotic packages, then I am going to come back and watch 2 episodes of Star Trek Voyager (on Tibo) and have a strong cup of tea.

Tell me, what every day things do you find impossible?

every day I swear I'm not going to do another one of these ones, and every day a new one seduces me. so many quizes, so little time!!





take the butt quiz.


and go to mewing.net. why not visit the site of someone who made a quiz about butts?


still, it made me laugh and she deserves a plug!

had a better day, bit of bizarre juxtaposition. Reading a well written interesting book by Walter Mosely, creator of Easy Rawlin's but I wasn't expecting to enjoy his books as much as I did.
Always outnumbered, always outgunned, series of short stories about a character named Socrates Fortlow. And I was reading about poverty and rage and coping in the Helena Rubenstein day spa, after spending over $100 on a facial. Weird.

Did enjoy the facial though, haven't had one in ... years. Nice to be girly for a bit. The beautician was this cheerful black woman with amazingly strong hands. She was telling me how she had been engaged three times but never married 'I don't need a man to validate me' she said. And I thought, it's not about validation. Sometimes it's just about sharing. But I was too sleepy and she had her hands around my throat.

I would recommend Walter Mosely though, he was much better than I expected.

depression is like having a stone on your chest. All of a sudden it is too difficult to beathe. The weight just presses down. If breathing is an effort, it follows that walking, talking, being reasonable, are beyond me right now. I can type (got find mercy in small things). I did get my 4 year old off to kindy. I worry about how mummy's moods impact on him, though he seems okay, chirping along and telling me about the life cycles of moths and how spiders catch them in their webs and eat them. I have no recollection of what I did or didn't know at age 4 but that seems impressive to me. Still as I walked with him, I was conscious of the weight in my chest.

I went to yoga which calms me down. But, it also puts me in touch with my body, a place full of panic and fear. The teacher relaxes us muscle by muscle and I become aware of how insanely I am holding myself, how relaxation feels beyond me. I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and something about being present in my body often feels like too much. My heart speeds up uncomfortably, my body seizes. Some teachers don't work for me, but this one is very gentle and I find myself able to move my body in new ways. Didn't make it to the handstand though, couldn't even imagine my body doing it. I stretched instead. My tummy feels pleasantly aching now, as if I have done some serious work, though the movements are so gentle you only feel it afterwards. God my body holds so much and is so tense.

I can taste my lonlieness. Today is indeed a going slowly mad day.

promise this is the last one for today, though this one is surprisingly accurate...

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

am feeling really crap, full of rage actually, but who can resist these ridiculous quizes...


The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

i've decided to edit this one out

unbelievably a day has gone by and I didn't write.

So, I'm going to tell you my fantasy of my perfect life. I want to live somewhere physically beautiful. I grew up near the sea and want to be close to the ocean. I want to live in a small town. I grew up in a medium size city and am looking to simplify. I want to recognise people. I want the same person at the check out counter. I want to know people from school and then link them to jobs. I am tired of being anonymous. I want to work in a community where I know the community. So maybe 10,000 people, maybe smaller. Not a city at all.

I've found a place and I think it could work, the only problem for me is getting my husband there too. He's not into small and simple at all. I want to grow food (which is odd, because I've hated gardening in the past, but now I want to grow my own tomatoes, and peaches, and corriander.) I have great ambitions, but they are about small things. I want to live a clean life, being kind to the earth, being kind to my neighbours, being kind to myself really.

Currently in New York I just feel overwhelmed by the numbers. Too many shops, people, things, magazines. I feel stymied by the amount of choice. All that choice but none that I really want. This is such an 'unnatural' city. There is no nature in it. And we are not meant to live so on top of each other (literally) I quake for the neighbours when my 4 year old runs through the flat, but why shouldn't a child be allowed to run in their own home? Where can they run? Not in the streets, not in the crowded parks where they might trip over someone, not at kindy where if all them start running it gets out of control. Of course, the secret is not to run at all. To sit, placidly, and consume - television, computer games, high sugar foods. Consume, be silent, die. I used to find that melodramatic, but I'm leaning towards believing that there is a philosophy out there strongly encouraging us to do all 3.

So I want less consumption, more noise (birds and laughter, not traffic and horns) and more life.

That's a life goal worth living for.

What are your life goals?

Realising what you want/need is the first step to making it happen. My quote for the day, made up by me