Saturday, September 28, 2002
blogger pro
I think I will go to blogger pro. The spell check, the privacy screens, more pages per site are all attractions. But also... because I spend so much time around here, $50.00 a year is a tiny amount for the joy I get, and I want it to work... and will it get rid of the dreaded 503 errors? Still internally debating this fascinating (or not!) decision but leaning towards an impulse buy.
I actually think my finances are going to change (downward) significiantly and rapidly in the near future and find myself spending odd sums, like I'm stocking up. Just went and bought 10 pairs of undies and 2 new lipsticks, part of me aware that these impulse buys won't be so easy for me soon... So I'm getting everything up to date for when the pot goes empty. Hoarding new books, I catch myself thinking, well, won't have any more of those soon.
bought the nanny diaries which is reputedly funny but which I find vaguely depressing. The mother, the child, the nanny and even the entirely absent father all feel sad and desperate (the nanny the least so, she is, after all, the heroine. But the mother, made faintly ridiculous, is just so unhappy that it hurts me to read about her, with her huge stress over dinner parties and divorcing friends and her unfaithful husband...)
And that brought me to a new topic...
Expectations.
There is a saying that happiness is having your expectations met. So if you expect X and you get X, then you are happy. But I think we live in a culture which lures us into expecting things we will never get, and thus guarranteeing our unhappiness. If you expect life to be hard, it's in a way easier on you than if you expect life to be soft and reasonable, but it is oh so desirable to want/expect/get a soft and reasonable life, why would you expect anything else?
A friend of mine recalled his trip to India when he was 19 with his then (Indian) girlfriend to go to her cousin's arranged marraige. He was really surprised when he met this large group of highly educated, articulate men and women, who all advocated arranged marriages. And they said, that they had different expectations from marriage and that we in the west put way too many expectations into that one fragile relationship and were as a consequence far less happy. My sister, who often works in the third world says Manhattanites, on the whole, act more stressed and less happy that people who are in refuge camps! This idea of control and detail management and a quest for perfection which would lead to happiness... What is happiness. My H is dedicated to getting it right in a way that I simply am not (though I am clearly far neater and more detail oriented than my S, who is driving me crazy with her slobby ways right now) and he, though more rewarded in society and in a far more enviable position than me, is also not as happy as I am, or at least not as content. Happy is a strong word, almost too giddy...
I am also musing a lot about expectations and marriage and fidelity, but that will have to be another day... we are off to the gym now.
I think I will go to blogger pro. The spell check, the privacy screens, more pages per site are all attractions. But also... because I spend so much time around here, $50.00 a year is a tiny amount for the joy I get, and I want it to work... and will it get rid of the dreaded 503 errors? Still internally debating this fascinating (or not!) decision but leaning towards an impulse buy.
I actually think my finances are going to change (downward) significiantly and rapidly in the near future and find myself spending odd sums, like I'm stocking up. Just went and bought 10 pairs of undies and 2 new lipsticks, part of me aware that these impulse buys won't be so easy for me soon... So I'm getting everything up to date for when the pot goes empty. Hoarding new books, I catch myself thinking, well, won't have any more of those soon.
bought the nanny diaries which is reputedly funny but which I find vaguely depressing. The mother, the child, the nanny and even the entirely absent father all feel sad and desperate (the nanny the least so, she is, after all, the heroine. But the mother, made faintly ridiculous, is just so unhappy that it hurts me to read about her, with her huge stress over dinner parties and divorcing friends and her unfaithful husband...)
And that brought me to a new topic...
Expectations.
There is a saying that happiness is having your expectations met. So if you expect X and you get X, then you are happy. But I think we live in a culture which lures us into expecting things we will never get, and thus guarranteeing our unhappiness. If you expect life to be hard, it's in a way easier on you than if you expect life to be soft and reasonable, but it is oh so desirable to want/expect/get a soft and reasonable life, why would you expect anything else?
A friend of mine recalled his trip to India when he was 19 with his then (Indian) girlfriend to go to her cousin's arranged marraige. He was really surprised when he met this large group of highly educated, articulate men and women, who all advocated arranged marriages. And they said, that they had different expectations from marriage and that we in the west put way too many expectations into that one fragile relationship and were as a consequence far less happy. My sister, who often works in the third world says Manhattanites, on the whole, act more stressed and less happy that people who are in refuge camps! This idea of control and detail management and a quest for perfection which would lead to happiness... What is happiness. My H is dedicated to getting it right in a way that I simply am not (though I am clearly far neater and more detail oriented than my S, who is driving me crazy with her slobby ways right now) and he, though more rewarded in society and in a far more enviable position than me, is also not as happy as I am, or at least not as content. Happy is a strong word, almost too giddy...
I am also musing a lot about expectations and marriage and fidelity, but that will have to be another day... we are off to the gym now.
Friday, September 27, 2002
happy with the new arrivals
very impressed with amazon (I was going to link it and then I thought, there is no one reading blogs who doesn't know how to get to amazon!) All the books I bought from them arrived today. And the mail is usually crazily slow in Manhattan (a conspiracy to make people use couriers) so I'm doubly impressed that they got here in 2 days. Also got one of the packages from the second hand dealers, so I am rich in books, which is rich indeed.
very impressed with amazon (I was going to link it and then I thought, there is no one reading blogs who doesn't know how to get to amazon!) All the books I bought from them arrived today. And the mail is usually crazily slow in Manhattan (a conspiracy to make people use couriers) so I'm doubly impressed that they got here in 2 days. Also got one of the packages from the second hand dealers, so I am rich in books, which is rich indeed.
Intimacy
I need privacy to blog and thus haven't been able to get to the computer... Did have a wonderful, scarily intimate conversation with a close friend about sisters and competitiveness. There is something about being completely honest and open which leaves me feeling light headed. I didn't retreat but it's hard to stay present for it. Funny, because I always think that I want so much connection and intimacy but when it actually arrives it can feel hard to bear...
Then went with a new friend, this was the first time we had ever gone out just the two of us, though I know her from my husband's work. So I made a joke of this being a 'first date' and what did we do... we went and saw a film called secretary which was quite amazing. Tongue firmly in cheek it managed to do something I never expected, which was make an erotic movie about s & m. It actually had a huge impact on me (and H far away in SF) which almost made me blush... first date movie indeed! S & M always seems a bit tawdry and silly to me, aside from the fact that pain is never a turn on, but this was elegant and very sexy, in it's crazy way.
well, enough confessions, back to work.
I need privacy to blog and thus haven't been able to get to the computer... Did have a wonderful, scarily intimate conversation with a close friend about sisters and competitiveness. There is something about being completely honest and open which leaves me feeling light headed. I didn't retreat but it's hard to stay present for it. Funny, because I always think that I want so much connection and intimacy but when it actually arrives it can feel hard to bear...
Then went with a new friend, this was the first time we had ever gone out just the two of us, though I know her from my husband's work. So I made a joke of this being a 'first date' and what did we do... we went and saw a film called secretary which was quite amazing. Tongue firmly in cheek it managed to do something I never expected, which was make an erotic movie about s & m. It actually had a huge impact on me (and H far away in SF) which almost made me blush... first date movie indeed! S & M always seems a bit tawdry and silly to me, aside from the fact that pain is never a turn on, but this was elegant and very sexy, in it's crazy way.
well, enough confessions, back to work.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
I was feeling depressed but just went and spent $60.00 on books ($20 of which was for postage, but they were cheap second hand books) and am feeling chirpier. I actually like getting books delivered because they come at erratic times and all of a sudden you are happy looking in the letter box and getting all these nice surprises, half of which you can't even remember ordering! I am much happier now amazon is doing it's free shipping schtick, and know that it's postage charges on the second hand books are a total rort (sp?) but when the books are cheap enough, it's worth it.
bj is still unaware that he is meant to be grossly impacted by having a depressed mother and is happily chirping to himself playing with his toys. One of his new school chums came over and loudly announced to his mother that bj has no toys. I was so pleased! I really feel that certain kids are just overwhelmed with toys, they come to dominate the family landscape, and the child has not need for creativity and indeed I feel that there is a direct relationship between the more toys a child has and the more often s/he claims to be bored. Bj very rarely describes himself as bored and most days plays very nicely on his own. okay, off to feed us both (pasta with mushroom sauce and brocolli, I am obsessed with trying to get bj to eat ONE vegetable a day. Seven would be impossible! Thank heavens for fortified cereal or he would get no nutrients at all. sometimes i wonder how children manage to grow at all, when they live on air or junk)
going to change this blog title to 'confessions of a (book) shopping junkie'
bj is still unaware that he is meant to be grossly impacted by having a depressed mother and is happily chirping to himself playing with his toys. One of his new school chums came over and loudly announced to his mother that bj has no toys. I was so pleased! I really feel that certain kids are just overwhelmed with toys, they come to dominate the family landscape, and the child has not need for creativity and indeed I feel that there is a direct relationship between the more toys a child has and the more often s/he claims to be bored. Bj very rarely describes himself as bored and most days plays very nicely on his own. okay, off to feed us both (pasta with mushroom sauce and brocolli, I am obsessed with trying to get bj to eat ONE vegetable a day. Seven would be impossible! Thank heavens for fortified cereal or he would get no nutrients at all. sometimes i wonder how children manage to grow at all, when they live on air or junk)
going to change this blog title to 'confessions of a (book) shopping junkie'
feeling lonely and unheard
every so often this feeling just sinks into me and I find that it just takes too much energy to do normal things. I was reading blogs full of stuff about the toogood woman who was filmed hitting her child, as a way of relieving her own feelings and thought that I am not afraid so much of my violence towards my son, I've worked long and hard enough there for that history not to repeat itself, but I do wonder how it impacts him growing up with a mother who is depressed. Sigh. When ever I start thinking like this I know I am in a bad way!! Bj is chirping along, ecstatic that in my low space I actually gave up the good fight and let him (us) go to McDonald's and have a happy meal. He loves those plastic gew gaws they include and can play with them for hours. So he's not at all aware of my feelings, which is good, but adds to that empty weird space I get myself into.
wrote a wretched email to H and then didn't send it. Protecting him from my feelings, protecting mysefl from fall out if I do send the email, but not being true... saw a movie, the banger sisters which I really enjoyed but which added to my feeling of sadness. I'm like the Susan Sarandon characater, but without her exotic past. I know I'm not that beige or tied up, but I have regrets for the past I didn't take, and when my marriage is distant like it gets from time to time, I think, I'm lonely and I'm living like a single woman in NY but without the option of dating/casual sex/ forming a new rel... I just get this limbo-ish feeling. God I bore myself sometimes. I'll go and read other people's blogs and tap into their energy.
read well...
every so often this feeling just sinks into me and I find that it just takes too much energy to do normal things. I was reading blogs full of stuff about the toogood woman who was filmed hitting her child, as a way of relieving her own feelings and thought that I am not afraid so much of my violence towards my son, I've worked long and hard enough there for that history not to repeat itself, but I do wonder how it impacts him growing up with a mother who is depressed. Sigh. When ever I start thinking like this I know I am in a bad way!! Bj is chirping along, ecstatic that in my low space I actually gave up the good fight and let him (us) go to McDonald's and have a happy meal. He loves those plastic gew gaws they include and can play with them for hours. So he's not at all aware of my feelings, which is good, but adds to that empty weird space I get myself into.
wrote a wretched email to H and then didn't send it. Protecting him from my feelings, protecting mysefl from fall out if I do send the email, but not being true... saw a movie, the banger sisters which I really enjoyed but which added to my feeling of sadness. I'm like the Susan Sarandon characater, but without her exotic past. I know I'm not that beige or tied up, but I have regrets for the past I didn't take, and when my marriage is distant like it gets from time to time, I think, I'm lonely and I'm living like a single woman in NY but without the option of dating/casual sex/ forming a new rel... I just get this limbo-ish feeling. God I bore myself sometimes. I'll go and read other people's blogs and tap into their energy.
read well...
Monday, September 23, 2002
the web is playing up (probably missing H's expertise) and all of a sudden it is taking entire minutes to log into a site... hate it when it does that. Certainly cuts down on surfing time.
Watched a silly movie on HBO, realise that I haven't watched a film on telly (as they call it downunder) in ages... it was this sweet silly romance which makes you feel weepy and dopey even when you know it isn't true. Nice way to spend an evening and put you into another space. That's what I like about feel-good movies. But then again, there is the Sopranos - did I tell you I saw James Gandolfini walking down my street the other day? When I told a friend she says he lives in Tribeca and she often sees him in the park with his kids. I do so love that series (except for Dr Melfi, who really is not a good therapist, but then again, a mafia don might be watching it and shaking his head too!) and am happy to sit with it, but feel good it's not... more like watching a male fantasy (all powerful, killer, lover) tempered with reality (anxiety attacks, the limits of power, you can't kill your kids) I can rave about it for hours, but will spare you right now.
Watched a silly movie on HBO, realise that I haven't watched a film on telly (as they call it downunder) in ages... it was this sweet silly romance which makes you feel weepy and dopey even when you know it isn't true. Nice way to spend an evening and put you into another space. That's what I like about feel-good movies. But then again, there is the Sopranos - did I tell you I saw James Gandolfini walking down my street the other day? When I told a friend she says he lives in Tribeca and she often sees him in the park with his kids. I do so love that series (except for Dr Melfi, who really is not a good therapist, but then again, a mafia don might be watching it and shaking his head too!) and am happy to sit with it, but feel good it's not... more like watching a male fantasy (all powerful, killer, lover) tempered with reality (anxiety attacks, the limits of power, you can't kill your kids) I can rave about it for hours, but will spare you right now.
feeling tense and irritable
I worry that most of my posts are starting with these sorts of feelings, evidence that I am running on low level irriation and cake.
I've written this sentence 4 times and still haven't figured out a way to say it... my sister and I have this subtle competitiveness which is more glaring when it is just the two of us. I love her, she's much smarter than me, she's interesting to talk to, and one thing that never occurs to her is to introduce me to her ny friends when she knows that I would like to meet more people. It sounds too petty to write, too petty to even think about, but I know that it is one of the things that is driving me crazy right now. She dips into my life, but I am never allowed to visit hers. She's allowed to be moody, but I am not. I feel pushed into my 'pleasant' box, till my arms and legs feel cramped. Whoo... said it. And I can never challenge her. She's always going to be 3 years older and thus more powerful than me. Part of me doesn't want to be alone in ny, but part of me is really ready for her to go.
god it just ate half of this post. Well at least my really nasty side remains hidden while I can appear sane and kind, and yet I put it out there in good faith. the cyber gods are looking after me
I worry that most of my posts are starting with these sorts of feelings, evidence that I am running on low level irriation and cake.
I've written this sentence 4 times and still haven't figured out a way to say it... my sister and I have this subtle competitiveness which is more glaring when it is just the two of us. I love her, she's much smarter than me, she's interesting to talk to, and one thing that never occurs to her is to introduce me to her ny friends when she knows that I would like to meet more people. It sounds too petty to write, too petty to even think about, but I know that it is one of the things that is driving me crazy right now. She dips into my life, but I am never allowed to visit hers. She's allowed to be moody, but I am not. I feel pushed into my 'pleasant' box, till my arms and legs feel cramped. Whoo... said it. And I can never challenge her. She's always going to be 3 years older and thus more powerful than me. Part of me doesn't want to be alone in ny, but part of me is really ready for her to go.
god it just ate half of this post. Well at least my really nasty side remains hidden while I can appear sane and kind, and yet I put it out there in good faith. the cyber gods are looking after me
Sunday, September 22, 2002
my story of the moment
on line activity at work
Kester, of Websense, said these findings were more compelling when placed in the context of the rest of the survey, which showed workers spent upward of 20 percent of their time surfing the Web. On average, those surveyed said they spent 8.3 hours a week on Internet sites that had no relation to their jobs; most said they would sooner give up coffee than the Internet.
Just stunned by the statistic that workers spend up to 20% of their time on the internet on no work related sites. 8.3 hours a week. How can that be? How can their jobs cope? It's just so weird.
on line activity at work
Kester, of Websense, said these findings were more compelling when placed in the context of the rest of the survey, which showed workers spent upward of 20 percent of their time surfing the Web. On average, those surveyed said they spent 8.3 hours a week on Internet sites that had no relation to their jobs; most said they would sooner give up coffee than the Internet.
Just stunned by the statistic that workers spend up to 20% of their time on the internet on no work related sites. 8.3 hours a week. How can that be? How can their jobs cope? It's just so weird.
playing with technology
I hate it when technology distracts me instead of allowing me to be present. I click on the computer and all of a sudden someone on line wants to chat. I'm not at all familiar with this format and not too sure about it, so I begin a cautious conversation. Then the phone rings IRL, and I type in, i'm on the phone, brb, and answer it but they keep typing things to me so I'm distracted when talking to my mother (in Australia) and feel irritated with that. I should have just clicked out of the computer, but i'm not used to doing that, and I've got cable so I'm in effect on line all the time. I'm not sure of this buddies thing, and while I am quite sure that the person who contacted is decent and nice, I'm not sure I want him to know whenever I'm on line... I have to think this through... there is all sorts of ettiquette to work out, none of which I know at present.
Such at 21st century dilemma!
I hate it when technology distracts me instead of allowing me to be present. I click on the computer and all of a sudden someone on line wants to chat. I'm not at all familiar with this format and not too sure about it, so I begin a cautious conversation. Then the phone rings IRL, and I type in, i'm on the phone, brb, and answer it but they keep typing things to me so I'm distracted when talking to my mother (in Australia) and feel irritated with that. I should have just clicked out of the computer, but i'm not used to doing that, and I've got cable so I'm in effect on line all the time. I'm not sure of this buddies thing, and while I am quite sure that the person who contacted is decent and nice, I'm not sure I want him to know whenever I'm on line... I have to think this through... there is all sorts of ettiquette to work out, none of which I know at present.
Such at 21st century dilemma!
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