I used to write a lot of personal poetry. Haven't done it for some time. I used to really enjoy it, I should start doing it again. Here is one I wrote about 7 years ago, and I still like it:


I used to think my body was like a harem girl,
veiled, with kholed eyes, inviting on the outside,
lush and sensual on the inside,
yet somehow imprisoned.

But now I realise that I was only
fooling myself.
It was my mind that was veiled
and imprisoned.
My body always knew.

Now I see my body as tougher than me,
More knowing, more intractable.
It stood it's ground.

Now when people tell me to lose weight,
I say that I will take up just as much space as I need.

feeling better

went and had a long talk with a close friend, being brutally honest. And then rang H on the cell and he was getting tipsy with friends and sighed and thought about the different solutions we find for ourselves. But I do feel more centred and more honest. I think that this year will be the make or break year, and if we come out of it together, our marriage will be different and stronger, and if we come out of it seperate, well, that will be sad, but bearable. I am not going to live where migraines and eczema are my norm. I am going to listen to my body, which was always wiser than me... I wrote a poem about that once, I'll see if I can dig it up on this computer.

so unhappy I can't breathe...

awful x-mas, no crisis, just the gradual disintegration of my marriage. We don't communicate on any meaningful level and H is depressed about a work issue. So he is either unavailable because work is good and he is so busy, or unavailable because work is bad and he is so stressed out. And any discussion/interests of mine are more stress for him and should be stopped. My mother can't bear to be around us right now, though interestingly his parents don't seem to sense the tension.

My only problem is that the single life I see around me doesn't seem to be markedly better. I see people having awful dates and struggling with finances and lonliness. I guess that the lonliness within the marriage will have to get worse before I think that the lonliness of actually living alone will be a better situation. I just see my divorced friends having smaller life styles, coping with their kids with limited support, and working too hard. If I was sure it would be better, I would leave tomorrow. It feels like fear, not love is holding me in this marriage. Well... Sigh... there are days where I just hate my life...

I also hate self pity, but have to rant somewhere... not telling this stuff to anyone else.

how was your x-mas?

just wrote a not very interesting blog and then it mysteriously wiped itself out! The computer critiquing for me!!

life is meandering along. I'm catching up with friends, hearing all sorts of gossip and thinking about relationships between parents and children. A friend with teenage kids is really suffering, as his 18 son drinks too much and gets violent. Another friend who is 39 is quarrelling with her parents who are angry with her husband and want her to take sides. What sort of choice is that? Between parents and spouse? Why are they setting that up... Another friend just seperated and an aquaintance who used to flirt with my H years ago (really years, when we were all 21!!) is also seperated. We all teased H to start calling immediately. But when he heard that she had 3 kids and heavy hips, he decided against it...

bj is being quite an excellent child, but is clearly getting bored. I took him to meet with children his own age yesterday and they refused to play with him! I was quite upset on his behalf. Those kids were really rude. Not being partisan, but bj would never act like that with kids who came to his home. Ah well, everyone has their story.

My in-laws are coming over tomorrow but otherwise christmas will be quite subdued, all the rest of the family scattering.

I wish you well for the holidays and hope everyone has a peaceful and beautiful time and that the New Year brings all you wish for....