tired after a day at the park
went to Battery Park, which is a very pleasant spot, and sat with a sweet friend while bj ran in and out of water fountains and made us sand hamburger patties to eat. Overheard one mother talking in a stressed manner over the phone about how her disciplin methods differ from those of the woman on the other end of the phone and perhaps their children shouldn't play together any more... Saw one woman who was showing off her painfully thin body, in a skimpy top and denim skirt and thought about measures of beauty. How the Victoria's Secret model, Giselle something or other, is too thin in my eyes. I don't even aspire to look like her, she just hasn't got enough meat on her. Which I suppose is an advance from looking at these women and longing to be like them and finding it impossible. There was a nice breeze and it was a warm day and there were some beautiful children about, a little elf of a girl who was climbing all over her daddy, a gorgeous Eurasian child toddling beside his mummy, mostly harmonious and everyone well behaved. We were all happier when the drilling from the skeleton of the apartments nearby finally ended.
A pleasant day. I had been so worried about w/e without H, but I've lined up more friends for tomorrow and am actually going out having booked a baby sitter! This is our last week end on our own, next w/e we will be in SF and reunited with H. Done well during this break, I think. Don't especially want to, but I could live the life of a (wealthy) single mom, whereas before I didn't believe I could. Well... we'll see where that knowledge takes us.
Friday, October 04, 2002
it's a rainy, gloomy, muffin eating sort of day, where all you want to do is curl up with a cup of tea and watch tv. bj is busy doing his favourite craft activity which involved sticky taping sheets and sheets of paper together and then cutting them up. I used to tell him to stop wasting tape, and then realised I was being way too anal, and now let him create unhindered. 3 pieces of paper and some scissors can keep busy for hours, well 20 minutes, which can seem like hours.
The house is smelling clean, I have a new pair of shoes, what more could a girl want?
Have a good one.
The house is smelling clean, I have a new pair of shoes, what more could a girl want?
Have a good one.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
the atlantic journal, one of my favourite magazines, which has in-depth articles on all sorts of issues, has an unexpected one on Christianity in this month's issue. It had all sorts of facts I didn't know. That American Catholics only make up 6% of the world's Catholics, that Catholicism in Europe is dying, but growing at a rapid rate in south america and africa and that there are more Catholics than Muslims. I don't agree with everything in the article by any means, but it's worth reading and thinking about...
I like thinking about religion because it clarifies what is important to you, and no matter how you dress it, all religion requires a leap of faith. I like the irrationality and hope of that leap. And how far it can take us. I really think we know so little about the spirit, and how faith/hope and that old stand by, Love, can guide and form our lives. My sister said something interesting about how it is through love that the average person makes their life extra-ordinary. That love lifts us from the ordinary. And to me love and religion are bound, that love is also a quixotic leap of faith, that you move into the mystic when you open yourself to love.
I like thinking about religion because it clarifies what is important to you, and no matter how you dress it, all religion requires a leap of faith. I like the irrationality and hope of that leap. And how far it can take us. I really think we know so little about the spirit, and how faith/hope and that old stand by, Love, can guide and form our lives. My sister said something interesting about how it is through love that the average person makes their life extra-ordinary. That love lifts us from the ordinary. And to me love and religion are bound, that love is also a quixotic leap of faith, that you move into the mystic when you open yourself to love.
don't know if I've put this link in before, but this is a very funny ad which I've sent around the world - how's that for free advertising!!
also minorly impressed by how I can finally put links in properly now, and effortlessly. Amazing what a difference practice makes :-)
Now I wonder if I should get those icon faces... or is it too much...
I'll leave you with these important ponderings
also minorly impressed by how I can finally put links in properly now, and effortlessly. Amazing what a difference practice makes :-)
Now I wonder if I should get those icon faces... or is it too much...
I'll leave you with these important ponderings
pet hates
thinking about Karma, good and bad... I just went to my local deli. I bought a packet of 6 goldfish crackers and she couldn't see the price and so charged me 6 x 75 = $4.50. When I come home I clearly see the packet price, $2.49. I look for a receipt and she hasn't given me one. And now I'm pissed off. It's only $2.00 but I want to pay what the product is worth, not what they arbitrarily charge. I'll yell about it here, and not go there any more. They are always a bit sus around over-charging, I caught them at it once before, but I was in the shop at the time and so they just fixed it there and then. Of course there is human error, but I'm still feeling cheated. GRUMBLE.
thinking about Karma, good and bad... I just went to my local deli. I bought a packet of 6 goldfish crackers and she couldn't see the price and so charged me 6 x 75 = $4.50. When I come home I clearly see the packet price, $2.49. I look for a receipt and she hasn't given me one. And now I'm pissed off. It's only $2.00 but I want to pay what the product is worth, not what they arbitrarily charge. I'll yell about it here, and not go there any more. They are always a bit sus around over-charging, I caught them at it once before, but I was in the shop at the time and so they just fixed it there and then. Of course there is human error, but I'm still feeling cheated. GRUMBLE.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
read this and was so disturbed by it. I was in a strange mood to start with, but this mob killing by children just spun me in the wrong direction.
totally knackered
does that phrase mean anything here? I'm exhausted. Running around all day, almost like a real job. hehehe. So, I did my first new group, this being a new month, and in its chaotic way no one was where they were meant to be, but I've given up being a control freak and was calm about it. Actually this morning I was weirdly depressed. Just sad and energy less. And is often the case, working with the boys, as I think of them, put me in a better frame of mind. When I first met them I found them too much but now I really think that they have a bouyant energy to them, which lifts me and them up.
Also bought dramatic new black shoes - at payless. My shoes never last more than a season, so I've given up buying expensive stuff and ruining it. I now buy cheap stuff and ruin it. These shoes, which look full on and impressive, were $15.00. You can't argue with that. Picked up bj who was very impressed with his new shoes too (there was a 'second pair half price' sale on, so I couldn't resist) and told me he loved me. He is now watching his favourite mind numbing show, but at least Out of the Box is saccharine in and not violent.
Talked to H on the phone, we're talking, kindof.
I went to a tanning salon for the first time ever. I was looking at myself, all depressed and feeling pale and grey and the impulse just hit me. I found one close to work and so I went and just lying still and feeling heat, that was pleasant in it's own right. I love being brown (I know it's bad for you, but I don't care!) and hate getting that winter pallor. So I thought I might be able to fight my fear of winter with staying brown, and indeed today it worked, because it is what shifted me out of my strange sad mood.
Feel like I'm rambling to no great effect, which reminds me of a nice definition I read: What's a Blog? A blog or webblog is a web page made up of frequently updated posts that are arranged chronologically. It's Alternative Journalism at its best and an Online Diary at its simplest.
today i'm at the simplest but feel that at my best I'm definitely up there... nothing like patting yourself on the back! off to make dinner.
does that phrase mean anything here? I'm exhausted. Running around all day, almost like a real job. hehehe. So, I did my first new group, this being a new month, and in its chaotic way no one was where they were meant to be, but I've given up being a control freak and was calm about it. Actually this morning I was weirdly depressed. Just sad and energy less. And is often the case, working with the boys, as I think of them, put me in a better frame of mind. When I first met them I found them too much but now I really think that they have a bouyant energy to them, which lifts me and them up.
Also bought dramatic new black shoes - at payless. My shoes never last more than a season, so I've given up buying expensive stuff and ruining it. I now buy cheap stuff and ruin it. These shoes, which look full on and impressive, were $15.00. You can't argue with that. Picked up bj who was very impressed with his new shoes too (there was a 'second pair half price' sale on, so I couldn't resist) and told me he loved me. He is now watching his favourite mind numbing show, but at least Out of the Box is saccharine in and not violent.
Talked to H on the phone, we're talking, kindof.
I went to a tanning salon for the first time ever. I was looking at myself, all depressed and feeling pale and grey and the impulse just hit me. I found one close to work and so I went and just lying still and feeling heat, that was pleasant in it's own right. I love being brown (I know it's bad for you, but I don't care!) and hate getting that winter pallor. So I thought I might be able to fight my fear of winter with staying brown, and indeed today it worked, because it is what shifted me out of my strange sad mood.
Feel like I'm rambling to no great effect, which reminds me of a nice definition I read: What's a Blog? A blog or webblog is a web page made up of frequently updated posts that are arranged chronologically. It's Alternative Journalism at its best and an Online Diary at its simplest.
today i'm at the simplest but feel that at my best I'm definitely up there... nothing like patting yourself on the back! off to make dinner.
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
reading
just finished reading the straw men which was sort of weird. Had some beautiful sentences but the plot just fell into a bucket at the end with everything sped up and nothing making sense. Oh well. Also read Gabriel's Woman which was total waste of money. This guy is tortured because a man had sex with him and he enjoyed it. So he doesn't touch a person, man or woman, for the next fourteen years. I was thinking, 'just get over it'. It's underlying assumptions were so homophobic and offensive. Well, won't read one her books again in a hurry.
just finished reading the straw men which was sort of weird. Had some beautiful sentences but the plot just fell into a bucket at the end with everything sped up and nothing making sense. Oh well. Also read Gabriel's Woman which was total waste of money. This guy is tortured because a man had sex with him and he enjoyed it. So he doesn't touch a person, man or woman, for the next fourteen years. I was thinking, 'just get over it'. It's underlying assumptions were so homophobic and offensive. Well, won't read one her books again in a hurry.
the days when I don't actually have to be anywhere, I find that I don't go anywhere...
been futzing around on the computer for a few hours, delaying applying the vile smelling depilatory cream. If anyone has a solution that doesn't involve waxing, I would be interested in hearing it. I may even go back to shaving, though I always manage to nick myself, because those creams a) stink and b) don't work. What a fabulous combination!
I was talking to a stranger the other day and realised that I was sounding really cynical to her, even though I actually think of myelf as good hearted and karmically oriented. But she wanted to say that Bush had integrity and I just wasn't buying it, being quite sure in my heart that he would start a war with iraq simply to divert attention from his flaws at home. I'm not saying he's glad about the world trade centre, I'm saying it gave him a place in history he almost certainly would not have had otherwise... he would have been the bland guy who followed the charismatic Clinton, who had to cope with an imploding economy. Now, thanks to 9/11 he can ignore both the economy and domestic issues, he can trample the bill of rights, he can do all sorts of stuff and pay off his cronies. Hmmm... maybe I am cynical after all. Never liked his father, really don't like him. And that crap about saddam 'the guy who wanted to kill my dad' who is trying to pull in with that? How about the boy doing what his father failed to do.. do we want to look at it that way?
Don't usually rant politically but those bush boys, pere et fils, really push my buttons.
been futzing around on the computer for a few hours, delaying applying the vile smelling depilatory cream. If anyone has a solution that doesn't involve waxing, I would be interested in hearing it. I may even go back to shaving, though I always manage to nick myself, because those creams a) stink and b) don't work. What a fabulous combination!
I was talking to a stranger the other day and realised that I was sounding really cynical to her, even though I actually think of myelf as good hearted and karmically oriented. But she wanted to say that Bush had integrity and I just wasn't buying it, being quite sure in my heart that he would start a war with iraq simply to divert attention from his flaws at home. I'm not saying he's glad about the world trade centre, I'm saying it gave him a place in history he almost certainly would not have had otherwise... he would have been the bland guy who followed the charismatic Clinton, who had to cope with an imploding economy. Now, thanks to 9/11 he can ignore both the economy and domestic issues, he can trample the bill of rights, he can do all sorts of stuff and pay off his cronies. Hmmm... maybe I am cynical after all. Never liked his father, really don't like him. And that crap about saddam 'the guy who wanted to kill my dad' who is trying to pull in with that? How about the boy doing what his father failed to do.. do we want to look at it that way?
Don't usually rant politically but those bush boys, pere et fils, really push my buttons.
Monday, September 30, 2002
Sunday, September 29, 2002
this one is nice...
Forty-some years I’ve lived in the mountains
Ignorant of the world’s rise and fall
Warmed at night by a stove full of pine needles
Satisfied at noon by a bowl of wild plants
Sitting on rocks watching clouds and empty thoughts
Patching my robe in sunlight practicing silence
Till someone asks why Bodhidharma came east
And I hang out my wash.
- Shih-wu (1252-1352)
my thanx to hestia for the blog link - daily zen
Forty-some years I’ve lived in the mountains
Ignorant of the world’s rise and fall
Warmed at night by a stove full of pine needles
Satisfied at noon by a bowl of wild plants
Sitting on rocks watching clouds and empty thoughts
Patching my robe in sunlight practicing silence
Till someone asks why Bodhidharma came east
And I hang out my wash.
- Shih-wu (1252-1352)
my thanx to hestia for the blog link - daily zen
it's all in your head
my first night sleeping in ny as the only adult in the house... and although I have slept soundly every night before, all of a sudden I was hearing every bump possible. I know, intellectually, that I am safely locked in on the fourth floor. But all of a sudden I was scared. I know that there are no other adults to call on, (H in SF and S on the plane to London) and went into fear mode. It's interesting for me, the child part, the one that doesn't want to be the adult, going into fear. There is defnitely a part of me that doesn't want to be an adult, to take adult responsibilites in my life. And yet... I'm 38, 39 within the month. If not now, when will I be a grown up?? I remember reading in some book, that the lie was... there are no grown-ups... and I agree. I know I'm not 26 anymore. When I meet 26 year olds, one thing that strikes me is how young they are... like how I used to look at 17 year olds, so part of me knows I'm 10 plus years older than them. But when I look at myself, I don't know how old I feel/am. I am definitely more sorted than I was years earlier, but in a sense, still trapped by my fears and insecurities. I can just see them more clearly! Well, guess you got to be able to see the traps before you can avoid them. Just like to get to the avoiding a bit quicker.
I'm eating better, always a sign of being in a better space. I was feeling lost and alone yesterday evening and took bj and myself out to a restaurant, and when too much food came, I just packaged it to go, instead of eating it all. A small, yet important victory.
I finished the nanny diaries and just found it so depressing. I can't imagine why anyone would call it a comedy! It was really sad, as these parents continually betray and emotionally abandon their 4 year old, until he one day he will no longer be able to relate to anyone. One way in which I have attained adulthood is that I know that the child comes first. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or cranky or whatever... if bj needs me, then I'm there (reluctantly or otherwise) And I am, in my childish adult way, really trying not to repeat old patterns. I never hit him. I am conscious of trying not to take my moods out on him. If I scream at him, then I apologise. If his behaviour is not good, then I tell him. I really want for him to be a decent human being, and would like him to have qualities I struggle with - eg, the ability to delay gratification, as well as qualities I own comfortably - the ability to reason, the ability to empathise. I watch him automatically put his clothes in the clothes hamper before he goes into the bath and think, he will make a fine husband, which is a goal most mothers should have, IMHO. I often think, how will he relate to women, to others... he will have no silbings, friends will be even more important to him. How will he relate to authority figures - something I have real issues with. But bj knows adults as the friendly responsive ones. it's children he is more wary of. (they are less kind)
rambling here, but thinking lots too...
have a good one.
my first night sleeping in ny as the only adult in the house... and although I have slept soundly every night before, all of a sudden I was hearing every bump possible. I know, intellectually, that I am safely locked in on the fourth floor. But all of a sudden I was scared. I know that there are no other adults to call on, (H in SF and S on the plane to London) and went into fear mode. It's interesting for me, the child part, the one that doesn't want to be the adult, going into fear. There is defnitely a part of me that doesn't want to be an adult, to take adult responsibilites in my life. And yet... I'm 38, 39 within the month. If not now, when will I be a grown up?? I remember reading in some book, that the lie was... there are no grown-ups... and I agree. I know I'm not 26 anymore. When I meet 26 year olds, one thing that strikes me is how young they are... like how I used to look at 17 year olds, so part of me knows I'm 10 plus years older than them. But when I look at myself, I don't know how old I feel/am. I am definitely more sorted than I was years earlier, but in a sense, still trapped by my fears and insecurities. I can just see them more clearly! Well, guess you got to be able to see the traps before you can avoid them. Just like to get to the avoiding a bit quicker.
I'm eating better, always a sign of being in a better space. I was feeling lost and alone yesterday evening and took bj and myself out to a restaurant, and when too much food came, I just packaged it to go, instead of eating it all. A small, yet important victory.
I finished the nanny diaries and just found it so depressing. I can't imagine why anyone would call it a comedy! It was really sad, as these parents continually betray and emotionally abandon their 4 year old, until he one day he will no longer be able to relate to anyone. One way in which I have attained adulthood is that I know that the child comes first. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or cranky or whatever... if bj needs me, then I'm there (reluctantly or otherwise) And I am, in my childish adult way, really trying not to repeat old patterns. I never hit him. I am conscious of trying not to take my moods out on him. If I scream at him, then I apologise. If his behaviour is not good, then I tell him. I really want for him to be a decent human being, and would like him to have qualities I struggle with - eg, the ability to delay gratification, as well as qualities I own comfortably - the ability to reason, the ability to empathise. I watch him automatically put his clothes in the clothes hamper before he goes into the bath and think, he will make a fine husband, which is a goal most mothers should have, IMHO. I often think, how will he relate to women, to others... he will have no silbings, friends will be even more important to him. How will he relate to authority figures - something I have real issues with. But bj knows adults as the friendly responsive ones. it's children he is more wary of. (they are less kind)
rambling here, but thinking lots too...
have a good one.
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