I just read this in a 'teach your child to read' website, which of course wants money from you, but if the facts are true, they are really disturbing:

These facts give you an idea of the severity of our nation's reading problem:

Nearly 40% of fourth graders have not mastered basic reading skills. It's nearly 60% in California, and almost half of these children live with college-educated parents.
Council for Basic Education

If a child is a poor reader at the end of first grade there is a nearly 90% probability that the child will remain a poor reader at the end of fourth grade.
The Public Library Association

Experts say about 5% of the nation's children learn to read with ease, almost intuitively. An additional 20% to 30% learn to read with relative ease once they enter school and begin formal instruction. However, the bulk of children (about 60%) have difficulty.
Council for Basic Education


I am so internet aware, and the thought that half the children won't be able to access it successfully because of reading difficulties really creates a world of have and have nots. For that matter, I consider typing a necessary 21st century skill, even my husband can type his own email and his workload would be impossible if he couldn't. How could children not be able to read by 4th grade? And if they are not reading then, when will they? Anyways, BJ has started his first reading on the internet, complete with cute aliens and roars of approval and enjoyed it greatly. He is looking forward to lesson two.

It feels like a sleepy kind of, do nothing day. I haven't even left the house yet and it 2.23 pm. BJ has come to ask for some help, so see you later,

BJ is chattering non stop as per usual. I don't know what is 'normal' anymore, but he talks so much it is impossible to respond attentively to everything he says and I just start to drone him out, and make useless verbal exclamations from time to time "really?" "uh huh" "wow" and he warbles on some more.

It just makes me wonder about one of the things I think about often, which is being present in the moment. So much of my life I am not present, I am drifting off and thinking about something totally different, two thirds fantasy, one third real stuff. But not in the moment. When I watch movies (engaging ones) or read, or blog, then I am present, I am actively engaged. But if I am doing other things - walking, on the subway, cleaning, driving, listening to music, I am not present. I don't have accidents, so I am present enough, but I am totally in my head, and not all that aware of things around me. I used to trip and fall over a lot, (seriously) and I think it was part of me just not seeing my environment. I talk to myself a lot.

The other time I am fully present, actively engaged is at work. When I am in 'therapist' mode I really think about what is going on in the room and am no where else. But it is actually exhausting for me to be that present for that long, and when I walk out I need to go and play in my head for a bit to relax. But I used to be very present with my son. It's overwhelming the love I feel for him. It swamps everything. Really. Given the choice between living without him or dying to save his life, well there is no choice and it is actually quite selfish. I would not want to live without and thus happily exchange my life for his (though of course the two of us being alive is best!) But I never felt this way about any other human being. I wonder if part (a small part) of my reluctance to have another child is because then I wouldn't be able to be as clear in that choice.

But despite this overwhelming love, I am now quite often finding it difficult to be present with him. When we walk he chatters non stop and I disengage. Perhaps that is good. Perhaps no one could take that level of engagement as a norm. But it worries me a bit.

I'm glad I wrote this, it wasn't what I thought I was going to write. I love blogging but realise that in writing this, I don't correspond with people IRL as much as I should. Perhaps I'll start cutting and pasting, writing here and then editing out for more public consumption. Not more public, less anonymous. I love being anonymous, it gives me a freedom I can't explain. I do want more people to read this though. That seems to matter to me. I'll think more about that later.

have a good weekend,

this is a sort of modified myers-briggs which is a very expensive psychological test. This one is free, much better option, and on line. Try it if you want, I found the results quite accurate. interesting quiz I was an ENFJ and having done the proper myers briggs years ago now, I was an ENFJ there too. Look it up, it's interesting.

really tired, got that blood sugar low of the late afternoon. Off to buy ingredients for salad for dinner and to pick up BJ.

i am going to stop being lazy and start putting in proper links to things I am talking about, which makes everything a bit more interesting to read. However I will do that later because I am off to group right now. This will be my second men's group, yesterday's women's group being less successful. It was interesting how angry and divisive they were, I was expecting more attitude and defensiveness from the men, but they appeared open and interested, or nervous and giggly, but not at all aggressive. The women had much more attitude and were much focused on a sense of entitlement, which I found really interesting. This is not a client group I have worked with for a while, but I have worked with people on welfare before, but that was in London. It's a whole new culture to familiarise myself with, and I'm interested and much happier about my situation here. I don't want to condescend but neither will I be steamrollered and the girls were defnitely trying something on me. Well, we have 10 weeks together, we'll see what happens (I have 20 sessions with the men in the same time period, seeing them twice weekly, which will be intense for them and me!)

just heard the funniest thing, reading someone elses blog and they referred to the rejection line a phone number you give people who are annoying you and ask for your number. Well give them 212-479-7990 and you get the funniest phone message. I rarely laugh out loud at these sorts of things, but this one works!

another day, another useless quiz. This one didn't give me a whole cut and paste thing to link to it, so I don't know if I will be able to... hmm.

Anyways,

Your blogger code is:

B2 d- t- k s-- u-- f i o++ x- e- l c++


and only another insane blogger would know what it meant. I don't know what it means. I think on some levels I am not fixated enough. I didn't know the groovy must know sites they quoted. I'm resisting going there. If I couldn't discover them by myself, maybe they are not worth discovering. Then again, there may be some fabulous interesting stuff out there that I am missing. That is always the horror of the internet, that the better party is in the site next door. But I have learnt from painful experience that actually the best party is where you are (or are not) reguardless of who else is in the room. Then again, some blogs make me laugh for days. So I'm off to check them. Still happy about the meetup and book crossings sites, perhaps I'll find another gem.

Just went back into my archives and couldn't find the very first blogs I did. Quite disturbed. Went back on my side of the fence and could find them but not on the web page itself. Hmm... It threw me into panic for a mintue, that they would just disappear into the ether. I thought I should make copies, but I don't want hard copies around, not in a file and not in my computer. The whole freedom is the anonymity. That I can say things and not hurt my friends and family, but be real for me and for anyone reading this. So then I just sort of karmically shrugged and said to myself, well if they disappear, they disappear. The writing and the reading is important, the keeping is my anal hoarding, like if I don't keep them, they won't be remembered, they never happened. I'm sort of okay with it, but it's niggling and I've had to do a lot of self talk about it.

It's getting late now and I have to go and pick up BJ from kindy.

more soon,

feeling a bit sick today, ticklish at the back of my throat and not great around the ears. I'll spare you more details. BJ is being particularly cute lately and becoming more of a kid, and less of a baby exponentially. Turning 5 seemed a real landmark for him. He still wants to hold my hand when we walk, but is far less cuddly. :-( He and my husband seem to be getting on much better, they had a good weekend together, Coney Island not withstanding, and BJ forgave him for being absent all week at work. He is working very hard but loving it.

We went and saw Road to Perdition last night, a film which disappointed a little, I had such high hopes, but then you find yourself thinking about it at odd moments later. It lingers like a fine wine. It had some beautiful slow images, and if it was not as poetic was I would have liked, but Paul Newman gave as fine a performance as you could hope for, beautifully nuanced. All about lies and deception, how much do you deceive yourself, the ramifications of your actions. When Hanks confronts Newman, he says, 'there are only murderers in this room' and if you've crossed that line, how can you expect others to act any differently. How much would you sacrifice for your son, what does that sacrifice do to your son. Stuff like that. So worth exploring and thinking about. And the young boy, the actors name escapes me, well he was truly beautiful, lovely bone structure, and the camera just lingered on him. So it gets the thumbs up even if it wasn't the classic I was hoping for. Bit much to expect a classic each time (Mendes last film, his first film ever, was American Beauty. So this is only the second film he has ever done, there's got to be a learning curve going on as well. His 5th film will be extraordinary!)

Small Joys

Feeling giddy with triumph, just added two extra points to my left hand column and it worked perfectly. It's like I've learnt the logic of how to do it. Not to get too ahead of myself, but I remember last time it was like sweating blood and this time it was just cutting and pasting. Small joys.

Today am having my first group and couldn't sleep last night my brain was so full of thoughts. Even when I did sleep, I was so busy dreaming it didn't feel restful. Also heard about meetup, which link I added, which sounds interesting, organising meetings between bloggers IRL. I'll report back about that.

Saw the sunrise this morning, but don't feel tired, feel energised, so that's good. BJ is in a very good mood full of chat and giggles. We went to Cony Island to go to the beach and I have only one word for you: Don't. It was horrible. The sand is burning hot, and oddly silty and sticky. The water murkey and unrefreshing and it was so crowded as to be physically uncomfortable, people were definitely invading my personal space. Guess I'm just used to Aussie beaches. No comparison really.

Had an uncomfortable afternoon with my husband as he realised that I don't even like his ideal holiday anymore (don't nothing in a generic luxury five star resort.) I find that kind of boring, and want places to see, people to talk to. I'm tired of resorts. Sigh.